A Nazi Skinhead Group-Text

HeY, all!

S'up?

Yeah, what's going on?

I'm beating a chink with a sock full of quarters right now.  Can this wait?

exits conversation at 4:20

Oh,..yeah.  LOL.  Yer fine.  you other two GOt a sec?

I'm about to step out and spray-paint swastikas on my brand new Prius.

Oh kewl...Aren't u a Lyft driver?  That's a good IDeea.  keep your clientele honest>

You know it.  Peace out.

exits conversation at 4:29

I like that guuy.  You still there, number 3?

Are you typing this with your dick, dude?  What's wrong with you?

Dude!  Not cool!  You knooow my sister bit mi dik off WheN I waz yung!>/!!!!)

What?  Are you fucking serious?

Naw, man.  I'm playing with you.  There was a booger on my phone screen and I was trying to just text around it.  I finally just grabbed some Indian bitch and rubbed it off on the retarded dot on her forehead.

Phew.  For a minute there I thought something was severely wrong with you.

Final Job Interview For Picking The "On Hold" Music For Comcast

So, you've listed Kenny Loggins as a personal reference.

Yeah, we go way back.

I'm definitely a fan of his early stuff but, man, he got a little out there when he started doing the hard stuff.

Hard stuff?

Yeah.  Danger Zone.  Whew.  That one was rough.

He might have been hitting the wine coolers a little hard that month.  Think it was around the time that his dog died.

Ooo, yeah, I can see how that could drive a man to lash out a bit.

Yeah, he was in a dark place for almost a whole day.  Then he made another million dollars and bought a new dog.

Well, that's certainly an uplifting end to that story.

That dog died, too.

Oof.  He certainly doesn't have much luck with animal companions, does he?

He smashed that one in head with a golf club.

What a horrible accident.

No, it was on purpose.

I'm speechless.

It's name was Muffy.

Adorable.

Named after his wife's vagina.

We seem to have gotten off-track.

Sorry, I tend to ramble when I skip my pills...

It happens.

...right before I kill someone.

I'm the third manager this week.  Pretty sure you're my replacement.

Caitlyn Jenner's Week 14 Fantasy Football Advice

Who should I start as my quarterback this week?

Ooh!  Start the cute one!  (pause)  I don't know why that came out of my mouth.  I don't even care about boys.  I just did all of this to myself so that I could sit down to pee.

Is it wise to start a back up running back versus a top tier defense even with home field advantage?

Put an apple in my mouth and pretend I'm a cooked pig!  (pause)  What the fuck was that?  I hate fruit. I'm totally a vegetables kind of girl.

I'm feeling the injury bug.  Who's a viable tight end option out there on the waiver wire?

Dude!  I just nailed the hottest bitch in her tight end the other day!  (pause)  I just realized that I'm getting way more pussy now that I have a pussy.

My wide receivers are retarded and...wait a minute...you don't have a pussy.  You still have your cock and balls.  I just saw them popping out of your mini skirt when we were in the line at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

Look at my fucking hair!  It's long!  Like girl hair!  Would a boy paint his finger nails red?  Fuck, no, he wouldn't!  Not unless he was some kind of sissy faggotfucker!  And I'll have you know that I look way better in this dress than those Kardashian cunts, so back off!  (pause)  Sorry, honey.  I don't know what came over me.  I think my hormones are out of whack.

You paid money for this?

I Would Hate To Date A Time Traveller

Where were you last night?

Oh, come on.  This is bullshit.  You know where I was.  You always know the answer to every question that you ever ask me.

Not true.

Don't get cute.  I know that this could be your second, third or fiftieth go around this particular moment in the space/time continuum.  So, quit playing games and just get to what's on your mind.

Well, yesterday I was just farting around in 1835 and I got wild hair up my ass to go watch Mark Twain being born...

Again?  What's with you and needing to see that so badly?

There's not a lot going on in 1835.

Isn't there a cool battle going on somewhere that you can watch?

I might have started that war, actually.

Really?

It was a misunderstanding.  Who knew the Vietnamese at that time understood the significance of the middle finger?

Hmm.  Maybe they were hungry.

Well, they're all dead or French now.  So, who fucking cares?

Can we skip the nonsense, please.  Look, I know that you know that I know that you know that every single event on Earth is capable of being molded by your whim.  So whatever it is that you are pissed off at me about from last night is basically your fault because you failed to have it happen in the correct manner that suits you.  Thanks for subjugating my free will to your infinite passing fancy, asshole.

It's not just last night.

I'm sorry.  Am I supposed to worry about the next bad decision I make 17 years from now?

Well, while we're on that subject...

Fuck off.

...That might be the next war I start.

Colorado Vs. Planned Parenthood

Man, I really wish young women would be more responsible when they have sex.

Shoot 'em.

Abortion shouldn't be used as a form of birth control.  It's a human life we're talking about.

Fuck that, shoot 'em.

How many babies are we going to allow to be thrown into a trash can before somebody takes a stand on this?

I own one hundred machine guns for hunting rabbits.  Let's shoot 'em.

I've got a good mind to write Barack Obama an email and let him know that I think his non-chalant stance on this hot-button issue could cost him his reelection next year.

He's black, let's shoot...wait a minute.  He can't run for president.  He's already been elected twice.

Well, don't you think if he had spent less time dilly-dallying around with healthcare, college basketball brackets and smoking crack that he could have allocated more resources towards educating women on the mistake they have between their legs?

Are you familiar with the concept of "friendly fire"?

Yeah, that's the lie the terrorists came up with when they killed Pat Tillman.

Just look at the flowers.

ISIS reviews on Yelp

Applebee's: **

"We were promptly greeted at the door by a young woman who identified herself as Amy.  Within minutes we were placed into a long plush booth where our party of four sat comfortably while removing her spine with our place settings   The remainder of the visit was spent contemplating how the food and drinks would have tasted had we allowed the staff to live."

Starbucks: ****

"We forced the hostages to sip their drinks as we simultaneously cut their throats.  This created quite a robust elixir of caffeinated gore--of which our newer recruits were quite a bit more fond than the drab daily suckling of sweat from our beards."

Seattle Strip Clubs: *

"Where were the goats?"

Pumpkin Beer: n/a

"We don't drink.  It's wrong."

A Coffee Break At Playboy Magazine

I just wrote seven thousand words on Eddie Vedder's new haircut.

Ooo.  Good for you.  I hear that he's a really nice guy.  Did you meet him for some micro beers during the interview?

Naw, I made the whole story up.  Figured that not even one person on Earth is going to read the article anyway.

Yeah, I pulled that same stunt last month with a story on Africa and the AIDS epidemic.

Is that even a story anymore?

Well, I was actually doing a follow-up on a Lamar Odom cannibal orgy that had reportedly happened in the Ivory Coast region and I sort of stumbled upon a mass grave of dead children and then I just took a few pictures and tweaked a few details and then ten thousand words came out of my lap top and I got paid a lot of money.

That's quite an interesting writing process you have there.

Yeah, I dropped out of a really good school.

Do you always talk in run-on sentences?

Sometimes.  I'm not sure.  I get hit in the head a lot.  Hey, have you seen the cute new intern?

Hell, yeah!  She's hot!

Right!?

Just what we needed to break up the sausage fest around here.  Is she a writer, too?

No, I think she does the layouts for the tampon ads.

Oof, she's gonna have her work cut out for her down there.  Lot of competition for that job.

Could be a short stint for her.  Better get on that one quick.

Absolutely.

But first we gotta figure out which team she plays for, you know what I'm saying?

I'm picking up what yer laying down, my man.

Five bucks says it cocaine.

Ten bucks on vodka and pills.

[fist bump]

Handicapped Parking

Excuse me.  You aren't allowed to use that parking spot.

Why?

Because a big blue square with a white stick-figure person in a wheelchair has been painted between two white lines; officially marking the space where your car is currently residing as being specially designated for people whom are ably challenged.

Oh, sorry.  I always thought that that was a tag for some gang of retarded kids running a racket on valet parking.

No, sir.

Makes sense, I guess.  I mean retarded people can't really pull off organized crime.  Hell, they can't even pull off basic math without somehow shitting into each others' mouths.

That's.  Not.  True.

No, I've seen it.  Go on YouTube and type in "Massachusetts".  It's a big deal over there.

I happen to be from Boston, sir.

So you know what I'm saying, right?

I would better understand you if there was a bunch of shit inside of your mouth.

Alright.  Alright.  I'll move my fucking car.

Hot Enough, For Ya?

It's hot.

Go jump in the lake.

The lake is full of piranhas.  They will eat me alive.

Fuck.  I paid that guy not to tell you after he filled it with piranhas last night.  What an asshole.

You know that I'm allergic to piranha bites, right?

Wha...?  So, sorry.

Yeah.  I break out into these huge losses of flesh all over my body if they even get near me.  Should have thought about that, dontcha think?

My bad.  Think I confused my vanilla latte with my enbalming fluid this morning.

You should have some Mr. Yuck stickers handy for that.

All of those are on my dick.

Can't need too many.  Pretty small surface area if I'm trusting your Instagram account to be accurate.

They don't stick to scabs.

Gluten Allergy Options at Every Restaurant On Earth

Dirt

Gum underneath the tables

Fruit fly cum

The feces that collects on your cell phone while you text dick-pics to your ex whenever you take a shit at a fine dining establishment on a date with his/her sister.

My ass

Your mother

Bullets

Fear

Have you read the article in the New Yorker about the earthquake that's going to kill everybody on

the West coast?

No.  Those dickheads wrote that to make themselves feel better about planes crashing into their tourist destinations.

It's important to have five days worth of drinking water.

I have five days worth of cocaine.  

It's gonna be really big.  9.0.

I have five days worth of cocaine.

If the tremors don't force the ground to open up and chew you to pieces the tsunami will kill you twenty minutes later on.

I just busted off a few lines.  I think that I'm Jesus and I'm never going to die.  Suck my dick, please.

I can't blow you right now; I'm too busy trying pick out the right man-purse that will match my orange jumpsuit that I plan to wear for the next 100 years after the nuclear fall-out from all of the Jack-In-The-Box fryolators in King County exploding at the same time.

Reminds me: I've always wanted to make a tee shirt that read "WHAT IF IT REALLY DID SUCK ITSELF"? with an American flag font and a chick with huge tits riding a motorcycle?

Okay, I admit, I never actually read that New Yorker article.

Fuck.  This has been such a waste of cocaine.

USA Women Vs. Japan Women World Cup Shit-Talk

We melted your grandparents back in 1945!

We fuck your preppy boyfriends with our amazing sideways pussies!

We're gay!  We don't care about boys!

We get raped every morning in front of schoolchildren and then go to work writing Javascript for alien rape porn!

We hate rice!

We hate french fries!

You killed millions of innocent Chinese people!

You killed one or two black people!  We're not really sure of the exact number because we don't care.

You have strange game shows!

You have odd Alaskan female politicians!

You...uh...fuck, yeah, sorry about that.

You...uh...wasn't ready for an apology quite that soon.  Are we friends now?

Maybe.

Okay then.

{pause}

This sucks. 

Top Ten Things That Will Happen When You Delete Your FaceBook Page

10)  Nobody on the planet will ever laugh again.

9)  Your exes will all text you at the same time to apologize and send you ten thousand dollars.

8)  The Pope will smoke crack and die.

7)  Elephants will grow wings and fly to your house to feed you breakfast every day for the rest of your life.

6)  You will become okay with gluten.

5)  Jesus will rise again just to smoke crack and die.

4)  Nobody will ever know where you are when you're drunk.

3)  AIDS will be cured...except for all newborns in Massachusetts.

2)  Obama will finally feel comfortable wearing a Confederate flag as a cape in his GG Allin cover band.

1)  Your head will be skullfucked at your open-casket funeral by Hitler elves and abortion clowns.

First World Problems

I'm hungry.

Me, too.  Let's eat.  What're you in the mood for?

Not Mexican.  I found a taco inside one of my dirty socks when i was doing laundry this morning.

Wow, that's strange.

Yeah, right?  I usually wear flip-flops.  Why the hell do I own one sock?

It's pretty hot out today.  Maybe something mellow like soup or salad?

All this humidity is brewing a soupy crotch roux between my legs.  My pussy lips feel like two Fruit Roll-Ups being cooked on an engine block.

How about pizza?  Can't go wrong with pizza, unless you're one of those dickheads from Chicago who still pretend that fat crusts and hockey are relevant.

That's too much bread.  I'm on a diet.

What?  Why?  You're 4'11" and probably weigh 80 lbs. soaking wet.  You couldn't be any smaller if you tried.

I just want to look like someone that R. Kelly would find attractive.

The fact that you even know his name means that you are too old for him to want to fuck.

Oh, boo.  Don't say that.  I'll just get depressed and when I get depressed I eat a lot of junk food.

Cool.  Junk food it is.  McDonald's?  Subway?  KFC?

I'm just gonna go see what I can find in that other sock.

I Hate People Who Brag About How Much Water They Drink and How Far They Walk Everyday

The color of your pee doesn't look right.  You should drink more water.

That isn't pee.  I melted a box of Crayons with a blow torch. 

I have an app on my phone that says I've walked to the abortion clinic twice today.

Wow.  Ten steps.  That's a lot for a white person.

I identify as being black.

You need an English speaking app.

The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank Song

When you're sliding into first
and a Nazi boner bursts

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When yer sliding into second
and nothing rhymes with second

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When you're sliding into third
and then Hitler burps a turd

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When you are sliding into home
and it's full of Jewish bones

well, that's just too bad.  diarrhea.

Seattle Mariners Are The Best Baseball Team in Seattle

I like your baseball hat.

I'm wearing a hat?  I'm so drunk.

The Mariners won today.

I don't care.  Baseball is boring as fuck.

Nelson Cruz has 18 homeruns.

You make my pussy dry up when you talk.  I have a pile of dust between my legs right now.

Kyle Seager got robbed of a base hit if you ask me.

God ripped your balls off when you were born if you ask me.

Think we're gonna have a tough go at it this weekend against the Indians.

I hope you are referring to actual Native Americans who are going to run through this dead city and scalp all of you soul-sucking assholes.

I really want to get the next Bobblehead doll.  My son collects them.

Your daughter collects men at bus stops.

Well, yeah, that how she's paying her way through middle school.

I'm very anal about my prostitution.

Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2

I didn't see the first Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger movie.  Am I okay to just walk into any air-conditioned theater this summer to escape the oppressive heat being created by global warming and be able to enjoy the storyline without being left in the lurch?

Here's a helpful clue to gauge the film's level of intellectual culpability: Keanu Reeves is in it.  Next question.

The internet is already buzzing with multiple conspiracy theories which suggest that Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2 is secretly a mission statement concerning Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's next herd of adopted children from Africa.  Can you substantiate any of these rumors, and...for God's sake...would you please put some pants on?

I enjoy the feeling of a cool breeze on my legs.  That should be a sufficient answer to the question about children.  I have no comment about my pants.

A test audience in Ferguson, Missouri responded negatively to the lack of minority representation in Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2, yet, positive to the free HIV testing being offered by the concession stand.  Is this a coincidence or should you have invited more people to the viewing than just Magic Johnson?

Look, this is a new phone and his number is the only one that I had memorized.

Is this paving the way for an endless Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger mega series, or can we expect a bit of closure in this film and all move on with our binge-watching of equally meaningless television series instead?

You're asking the wrong guy.  I plan on going back to school this year so that I can get my degree, plow myself into huge debt and then be able to blame my failed existence on the government.  Please text me if you know anybody who has a bar tending position available soon.

I know somebody.

Shut up, Anderson Cooper.  You know nothing.

Selfies or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Narcissism

This is me and my breakfast in bed this morning.

That's a can of Spaghetti O's with a spoon in it.  Did you even cook it?

I was in a hurry.  Don't judge me.  Anyway, this is me in the elevator.  Doesn't my hair look so cute?

When were you a redhead?  And Asian?

Oh, shit.  That's a picture of somebody else.  Boring.  Let's scroll down a bit.  Here we go...here's me riding the bus to school.

The guy sitting next to you doesn't look too thrilled to be included in the picture.

Yeah, he punched me in the face.  That's why I skipped my early classes today; to go to the dentist.  Here's one of me in the waiting room reading.

How does one read and take a picture at the same time?  And for that matter, it looks like the magazine in your lap is upside down.

Oh, I just browse the words.  It's the pictures that are the most important.   You know, human beings could save themselves a lot of time if they expressed themselves more through photography than by wasting precious air with a bunch a meaningless mumbo jumbo.

Hmmm.  Well, I've heard you say dumber shit, I guess.

Oh look, here's one of me checking my pregnancy test during field hockey practice.  Negative.  Which is good 'cause I was having a really bad streak there.  Glad to have finally broken the vicious cycle.

Your mother and I are very proud.

Small Talk With ANAL CUNT song titles*

Hey!  Good to see you!  What's new?

*I Just Saw The Gayest Guy On Earth

Wow!  That's great!  Sounds like you've been keeping yourself busy.

*Don't Offer Me Weak Drugs Or I'll Kick Your Fucking Ass

I've been really busy lately, too.  Went back to school last year.  So good to be using my brain again, you know what I mean?

*Pottery's Gay

I mean, sure I've been making lot's of money but my work lacks intrinsic value, you know what I mean?

*I Gave NAMBLA Pictures Of Your Kid

I'm ready to start the next phase of my life.  I mean, it's time that my life started meaning something, you know what I mean?

*I Snuck a Retard Into a Sperm Bank

Well, I have to go.  It's been really great reconnecting with you but I have a ten page paper due tomorrow about the effects 9/11 has had on lesbian menopause.  We should have coffee soon.  Text me.

*Limp Bizkit Think They're Black But They're Just Gay

I know exactly what you mean.

Walking Dead Season 5 Episode 7 Spoiler

Soooo, about this party tonight.

Yeah, I don't really wanna go.  Let's just stay home and watch Walking Dead.

DVR that shit.  Anyway, the party...Marcia's going to be there.  Do you remember Marcia?

We can't DVR anything anymore.  You threw wine all over it when you disagreed with the judges on the season finale of America's Top Gynecologist.

Oh, I thought that was blood.  Well that's a relief.  Anyway, the party...Marcia's going to be there.  She's going through a hard time right now.  I'm going to need you to be on your best behavior tonight.

I always behave when I'm watching television.

That show is retarded.  It should be called the Walking Retarded.  Get over it.  Anyway, back to the party...Marcia just got dumped and she's really sad about it so I'm expecting a lot of broken glass, black eyes and cocaine vomit.  Should be a good time.  C'mon.  It'll give you something better to talk about with your work buddies than the conspiracy theories surrounding Carl's sweaty hat.

There's something going on underneath that hat.

The High School Ass Team

So what exactly does the water boy do in your...sport?

Oh, well you know, we get thirsty so you would be in charge of keeping us hydrated.

Well, I guess that should have been obvious.  Let me try a different question.  What sort of action are you all participating in to make this activity be considered a sport?

It's teams of four trying to score the most points.  The team with the most points wins.

How do you score points?

With our asses, silly.  Are you feeling, ok?  I'm not used to being the one answering all the questions from an applicant at a job interview.

Sorry.  My bad.  I was just trying to gain some clarity on the responsibilities of the position, that's all.

Well, you'll need to have good organizational skills, of course.  Multi-tasking is essential because there's a lot going on around you so you'll need to keep those hands moving while the game
is happening.  It gets really intense.  Especially during the playoffs.

And when does that...?  Scratch that.  Almost asked you another question.

See?  You're a quick learner!  OMG!  I like that!  You'll be perfect for the job!  Can you start tomorrow?

Uh, sure.

Yay!!!  [shakes hands]   It's official!

Awesome.  What time do I start?  [thirty second awkward silence]  Uh-oh.  What's happening right now?

You just got fired, that's what's happening right now.  Christ, you lasted one sentence.  What the fuck did I tell you about asking questions?  They are for the person doing the interview not the other way around!

But the interview was over!  I thought I had the job!

Your mother had a job, asshole.

Super Bowl Predictions

Q:  Who do you think is going to win the big game this weekend?

A:  That depends.  If the balls they're using are deflated brown leather things then my answer will be Adolph Hitler, of course.  Duh.  However, if God has read any of my emails and we are to be blessed with a gigantic boob to use as the official game ball then I will definitely bet my life savings that Tim Tebow will finally fuck a bitch ten seconds after kickoff.