Dry January

I'm not going to drink for a month.

Oh, cool.  Gonna give the old liver a break?

No, I'm still going to eat old liver.  Just not going to drink.

Gotcha. Okay, no booze for a month.

No, I'm still going to drink booze.  Just going to do it all in Jello shots.  Cuz that's a solid form of a liquid.

Heard.  

2022 was a bit rough for me.

Yeah?  Sorry to hear that.

Apology accepted. 

About how long do youse figure this hiatus is going to last?

No idea.  I have a strange relationship with time.  

So maybe just January?

Ugh, January babies are the worst.

It isn't their choice when to be born.

Mine either, bitch.

Who's Your Favorite U.S. President?

 

Matt Gaetz:  They're all too old.

Clarence Thomas:  Lincoln freed me, motherfucker.

Jared From Subway:  A pardon for my hard-on and I'll be anybody's bitch.

Wilbur Ross:  Can't...talk.  Neck skin...weighing down...jaw.

Mitch McConnell:  Get it together, Wilbur.  You really look like shit.

Conan The Barbarian:  Smite all the cowardly "rulers" who have not drunken the blood of the fallen Serpent God.  #bitchkings

Chris Rock:  Trump.  [punch]  OW!  What the fuck!?!

Putin:  Keep my wife's name out yo fuckin mouth!

Lee Harvey Oswald:  JFK.  Naw, for real.  I was aiming at Ted Cruz's dad. 

Statler and Waldorf:  Biden.  He's really restored our faith in young people.

14 Things To Do While The Nuclear Missiles Are In The Air

 

1.  Take out the recycling.  With an AR-15.

2.  NetFlix n' kill.

3.  Let the air out of the tires on Madison Cawthorn's wheelchair and then give him a Fleshlight filled with cocaine.

4.  Fly out into the middle of a desert with just one bottle of water and see how long it takes to die.  Oh, wait.  That's already been done.  It's called Las Vegas.  My bad.

5.  Let the air out of the tires on Greg Abbott's wheelchair and then give him some avocado pits on top of burnt toast.

6.  Mercury retrograde like a motherfucker.

7.  Go to Florida and draw dicks on all the Bibles.

8.  Learn how to play every popular 80's saxophone solo on the keytar and see how long it takes to die.  Oh, shit.  That's already been done.  It's called the Academy Awards.

9.  Read a book.  Which, in Florida, means light it on fire and get high offa da smoke.

10.  Leave an uncooked green bean bake casserole on your porch so that the people looting your dead body will have a warm final meal.

11.  Check the oil level in your car's engine to see if you have enough to siphon off and properly grease Matt Gaetz's asshole before he goes to jail.

12.  Hack into Trump's Truth Social account and send a friend request to Jada Pinkett Smith.

13.  Go to Florida and become an elementary teacher who only speaks ebonics with a lisp.

14.  Ask Jesus why the fuck he bothered coming back to life.

14 New Excuses To Not Go To Work in 2022

 

1.  I'm taking a mental health day to ambush a police station.

2.  Canadian truckers are really shitty Uber drivers.

3.  Everyone around the water cooler is suddenly speaking Russian.

4.  Woke HR department canceled me for my views on midget pornography.  At work.

5.  I'm in the ER after getting an injection of gazpacho to cure me of having a small dick.

6.  My Critical Race Theory class ran late 'cause the professor surprised us with marshmallows for the book burning fire. 

7.  Got into a fight with a woke midget on an airplane after I told her she looked familiar.  Flight had to make an emergency landing inside of the World Trade Center Memorial to maintain order.

8.  Had to drive 14 hours out of state to get a legal abortion gazpacho.

9.  The January 6 Commission subpoenaed me after pictures of a small dick surfaced on multiple social media sites from the day of the Capitol Hill riot.  

10.  Spent 14 hours on the Senate floor filibustering to change the word "fart" into "gushy-poof".

11.  Participating in a national day of mourning after the Red Hot Chili Peppers announced their world tour.

12.  Got a boot-leg copy of "Rust" with behind the scenes blooper outtakes.

13.  Still awaiting my presidential pardon from Trump over my protest with Kyle Rittenhouse of the woke Super Bowl halftime show.

14.  Self-immolation stunt on top of a polar ice cap to prove that the Earth is flat didn't get enough likes on Facebook to face the world.

So You Finally Caved And Got That Megadeth Tattoo

Did it hurt?

Naw.  The artist spit on me first to kill the germs.

Ooh, that's so sweet!  You must have done quite a bit of research on finding the exact right person for such a delicate job.

We met the day before in an alleyway.  I was pissing by a dumpster that he was squatting in.  Traded him a cigarette for the tinfoil hat he was wearing and we've been inseparable ever since.  

How much did it cost?

Oh, I stole the cigarette.

No, the tattoo, silly.

You can't put a price on love.  

Wow.  

Yeah, my parents hate me.  

Uh.  That's too bad.

They move every year and don't give me the address just so I don't show up for Thanksgiving.

Yikes.

My twin brother stuck his head in an oven to destroy all of our similar traits.

That's a bit much.

My boss's wife thinks we're fucking because i'm terrible at my job.

What is your job, by the way?

I answer the phones at a tattoo parlor in the alleyway across the street.

You really ought to take off that tinfoil hat.

Covid-19: The Unbearable Lightness Of Peeing

Hey.

S'Up?

Heard you were sick.

Yeah?  Who told you that?

You did.  About five seconds ago.

Oh, yeah.  I probably still have it.

Do you have any symptoms? 

I feel kinda drunk.

That's a sign.

Yeah, I should probably quarantine.  Think that means drinking lime gatorade with gin.

See?  If more people took this pandemic as seriously as you did then we would probably be done with all of this bullshit by now.

What the hell is a pandemic?

You said that about 30 seconds ago.

Dear Internet Porn Has Always Known That Black Lives Matter

Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs

Greatest Hits: Having The Memory Of An Elephant

Donald Trump barges into his physician's office and bellows, "Help!  My asshole is fucking yuge!"

The doctor, removing himself from tending to the needs of another patient, turns around and says, "Okay.  Drops your pants, bend over and let's address the situation."

The president does as he's instructed.

The man screams, "Whoa!  What on Earth could have possibly happened to make your butthole such a gaping mess!?"

Trump answers, "I got fucked up the ass by an elephant."

Disgusted, the health official suspiciously declares, "An elephant's penis is very long but relatively skinny.  This cavernous maw is as wide as it is deep, not the result of just having anal sex with an alphas maximus!"

With a small tear in one eye, trump whispers, "He fingered me first."

Greatest Hits: I'll Have What Cheese Having

Donald Trump walks into a busy bar during a popular Friday night happy hour rush in New York City and orders a blended raspberry mojito with half a sugared-rim and a garnish of skewered donuts lit on fire.

The bartender, amid shaking two other cocktails at once, says, "Just a heads up, sir...that particular drink order is going to take me at least and hour to complete."

"Why?" Asks the President.

Whilst deftly forging an orange rind into the shape of a mermaid with his knife, the young man answers, "Because I'm lactose-intolerant."

Trump wrinkles his brow in confusion and replies, "So what?"

He hands the libations off to a gracious couple sitting nearby, turns around to face the Commander In Chief and replies, "Well, it's going to take that much time for me to eat a block of cheese, come over there, pull down my pants and take a nasty diarrhea shit inside your mouth."

Greatest Hits: The Truth Hurts

Donald J. Trump buys a lie detector robot that slaps people whenever they utter a falsehood.  He unveils his new toy at the dinner that evening with his family.

"So, Barron." He coos, with a mouthful of french fries. "What did you do with yourself today?"

The young man answers, "I did some math homework, Pop."

The robot quickly reaches out with a clenched fist and smashes him in the face.

Rubbing his sore jaw, he admits, "Okay!  I was at a friend's house watching a movie!  Jeez!"

While swallowing an entire cheeseburger in one bite, the President then asks, "What movie did you watch?"

"Uh, Toy Story 2."

The robot immediately pounds the son upside the head again.

"Okay!  We were watching porn!  Jeez!"

Trump, squeezing a packet of ketchup directly into his mouth, says, "When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot backhands the father.

Melania, giggling with a hand over her mouth, says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot stands up from its chair, rips off its own head and explodes.

Greatest Hits: Death Becums Her

What's the best part of every Trump joke?

The execution.

Greatest Hits: Alzheimer's In The Family

Donald Trump, Mike Pence and William Barr are all standing around a cookie in the White House kitchen, jerking off with thumbs up their asses when the Attorney General says, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful.  This morning I was standing at the top of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down, homey."

The Vice President snickers. "Sheeeiit, playah.  You think that's bad?  The other day I was scratching my nut sack while sitting on the side of my bed and couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up."

The Commander-In-Chief smiles and says, "Well, gangstas, my memory is just as good as it's ever been...knock on wood."

He raps the surface of a nearby table three times.

"Now, you guys relax.  I'll go answer the door."

Greatest Hits: It's Elemental, My Dear Twatson

Donald Trump and a scientist walk into a night club that is renowned for being a pick-up hot spot for sexy singles with PhD's.

Upon reaching the bar, the younger man says, "I'll just have some good old fashioned H2O, please."  The beverage arrives in a tall frosty glass and immediately he is surrounded by a gaggle of beautiful women and whisked away for a night of debauchery.

Impressed, the President leans over to the bartender and says, "I'm also very smart. I'll have some H2O, too."  Upon receiving the glass, he begins to scan the room for potential pussy to grab onto while sipping mightily on the contents through the thick straw.  Then the walls of his throat and stomach explode as he falls to the ground with blood pouring out of his mouth and he dies on the dirty floor like a stray dog.

Greatest Hits: Breakfast, Lunch And Dinner In Bed

Donald and Melania Trump are getting into bed after a busy day of hating minorities when the President leans in and seductively whispers into the First Lady's ear, "I'm wide awake, my love."

She pats his belly and whispers back, "You're wide in your sleep, too."

Greatest Hits: Gentledickheads Prefer Blondes

Why does Trump have blonde hair?

'Cuz his wife bleaches her asshole.

Greatest Hits: It's Too Bright In Here

How many Trump's does it take to change a light bulb?

Zero.  There's no pussy to grab onto.

Healing Island of Losinj

Greatest Hits: Hard Times

After being unanimously voted out of the White House in the presidential election of November, 2020, Donald and Melania Trump find themselves completely broke and newly homeless on the hard streets of Washington D.C.  In an effort to quickly raise money, they come to an agreement that the disgraced President ought to prostitute himself around the seedy underbelly of the city.

His first foray into the market is an all-evening grind, sunset to sunrise, but he makes it home in one piece to share the spoils of his labor.  As he warms his hands by the garbage can fire, the former First Lady asks, "How well did you fare out there, my love?"

"Not bad." He states. "I made 128 dollars and 25 cents."

With her face twisted in disgust, she growls, "What kind of a person would give you a quarter for doing all of those hideous things?"

"All of them."

Greatest Hits: Unchecked Baggage

Donald J. Trump and Mike R. Pence catch a last-minute commercial airline to Alabama for a campaign rally, seated next to each other in the last row of First-Class.  An hour into the flight the President leans over to the Vice President and whispers, "Hey. We should join the Mile High Club together."

"That's crazy talk!" Pence stammers. "Look at all of the people on this plane.  Someone is sure to notice."

"No way." Chirps Trump with a coy wave of his hand. "Nobody pays attention to anything happening around them on planes anymore.  Look, I'll prove it."  And with that, he unbuckles his seatbelt, stands up and yells, "Can anybody please give me a pencil?"

He is met with pure silence.  All of the passengers are engaged in various distractions, ranging from sleep to listening to electronic devices on their headphones.

Amazed and thrilled by this presentation, Pence eagerly pulls down Trump's pants to his ankles, yanks down his own trousers, stands up and starts power-fucking the President's asshole like a champ.

Meanwhile, a stewardess is in the back of the plane tending to her service cart maintenance duties when she notices and old man sitting alone in the back seats with his lap covered in vomit.

"You poor thing!" She cries. "You should have asked me for a motion sickness bag!"

"No fuckin' way!" He gasps. "There's a shit-haired retarded man a few rows up who just asked for a pencil and he got ass-raped by a scary zombie!"