1. I'm taking a mental health day to ambush a police station.
2. Canadian truckers are really shitty Uber drivers.
3. Everyone around the water cooler is suddenly speaking Russian.
4. Woke HR department canceled me for my views on midget pornography. At work.
5. I'm in the ER after getting an injection of gazpacho to cure me of having a small dick.
6. My Critical Race Theory class ran late 'cause the professor surprised us with marshmallows for the book burning fire.
7. Got into a fight with a woke midget on an airplane after I told her she looked familiar. Flight had to make an emergency landing inside of the World Trade Center Memorial to maintain order.
8. Had to drive 14 hours out of state to get a legal abortion gazpacho.
9. The January 6 Commission subpoenaed me after pictures of a small dick surfaced on multiple social media sites from the day of the Capitol Hill riot.
10. Spent 14 hours on the Senate floor filibustering to change the word "fart" into "gushy-poof".
11. Participating in a national day of mourning after the Red Hot Chili Peppers announced their world tour.
12. Got a boot-leg copy of "Rust" with behind the scenes blooper outtakes.
13. Still awaiting my presidential pardon from Trump over my protest with Kyle Rittenhouse of the woke Super Bowl halftime show.
14. Self-immolation stunt on top of a polar ice cap to prove that the Earth is flat didn't get enough likes on Facebook to face the world.
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