Top Ten Worst Pipelines In The History Of The World

10.)  Human Centipede 2

9.)  Gene Simmon's tongue

8.)  Whitney Houston's crack-smoking device

7.)  The Verruckt

6.)  Adele's larynx

5.)  Fred C. Trump's vas deferens

4.)  Any straw that connects any lips to any vodka/Red Bull

3.)  The barrel of the gun that failed to kill Ronald Reagan

2.)  Lorena Bobbitt's infamous litter

1.)  The vessel inside of your brain that's going to force you to Google "Verruckt" and keep you from having a decent sleep.

What Do You Get For The Fetal Tissue That Already Has Everything?

Fuck.

What's wrong?

I think I left the tiny headstone on the kitchen counter.

Oh, goddammit.

Should I turn the car around?  We might still be able to make it to the appointment on time if drive really really really really really fast.

No.  With our luck, we'll get a reckless driving charge to pile on top of all this bullshit.  Just keep doing what you're doing.  We should be able to figure out a back-up plan along the way.

I just saw a broken brick on the side of the road.

I have a cassette tape of Mariah Carey Christmas songs.

We could both cut off our pinkies and tie them together.

Maybe we'll run over a small turtle.

Does Texas even have turtles?

Probably not.  Turtles are too smart to hang out in this retarded state.

There might be an old cell phone in my glove compartment.

I'm over it.  Let's just pay the fine.

There's a fine?

[pause]  I don't know.  I just sort assumed that this sham law had to have fines if it isn't obeyed like all other laws.

Oh wow, does that mean there's a Fetus Court somewhere?

Jesus, right!?!  There has to be!  It has a conveyor belt that clunks the tiny coffins slowly around the room like a shitty sushi joint.

With color coded stickers to tell you the race of the blobs inside.

No doubt that some fuckers would have an open casket to get one last kiss in before they bury it.

Gotta be special cemeteries for this sordid lot, right?

Nah.  Probably just toss 'em in the Pet Semetary.

Oof.  Gross.  I hope not.  They'll just come back to life more Republican.

Ten Ways To Tell If Someone Plays Fantasy Football

They're single.

They're divorced.

They're married.

They're watching the Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars play the super early game in London.

They have a laptop out and their pants are still on.

They only eat chicken wings for 4 months.

They sit for the national anthem because they're too fat to stand up.

They have an orange dick from jerking off with their Cheetos-eating hand.

They can't count to ten.

Donald Trump's Day Planner For Wednesday, November 9, 2016

3:00 A.M.  Tweet 160 characters of solace to Women For Trump.  Attach dick pic.

4:00 A.M.  Eat a breakfast burrito.

5:00 A.M.  Cancel Prussian Blue victory concert.

6:00--9:00 A.M.  Get hair trimmed by Ivanka.

9:01 A.M.  Press Conference to announce fresh slander lawsuits against New York Times, CNN, Saturday Night Live, Wall Street Journal, ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, Anderson Cooper, PETA, MADD, Mad Magazine, Taco Bell, Maya Angelou, Homer Simpson, Micheal Moore and a stray dog that pissed in the front yard of a property owned in Syria.

9:02  A.M.  Cocaine.

10:30 A.M.  Call in bomb threat to the White House from a pay phone.

11:45 A.M.  Google image search "China".

12:01 P.M.  Offer to fund the creation of a non-biased committee that will hand-count every single vote cast in the 2016 election for the position of president of the United States of America.

12:02 P.M.  Sign Meliana up for an online math class.

1:00 P.M.  Text in a bomb threat to a Mexican embassy from an intern's cell phone.  Attach dick pic.

2:00 P.M.  Fried chicken and Hennessy.

2:45  P.M.  Release tax records to the public of lemonade stands owned in preadolescence.

4:00--6:00 P.M.  Happy Hour at Hooters: all the left-wings you can eat.

7:00--8:30 P.M.  Nationally televised post-election debate with no opponent or moderator.

9:00 P.M.  Read acceptance speech to Billy Bush in high school locker room shower.

10:00--11:00 P.M.  Call 911 to launch full-on sea, air and ground assault against all ISIS strongholds hiding inside of competing businesses.

11:45 P.M.  Send a dick pic to Hillary Clinton's e-mail.

11:55 P.M.  Cocaine.

11:59 P.M.  Chamomile tea.

Vegan Norse Gods Playing Poker With An Asshole From New Jersey

Doest thou meat?

Nay!  Carnivorous cravings shalt never stray into mine kingdom.

A goodly bite of flesh may post dire the ominous chagrin of Tyr.

Aye, an appetite that begets a war with skin, milk and honey is an eternal battle which can never be won within even the life span of an immortal.

Aye.

Aye.

Aye, aye.

Aye, aye, aye...

What the fuck are you two dickheads yapping about now?  Just play the fucking card game already.

Beware, mortal.  Your tongue grieves mine ear with its scabrous tone.

Shut the fuck up.  You ain't scary.  Yer afraid to eat broccoli cuz you don't want to hurt its feelings.

Mind thy words, miscreant!  Or else your chance to parlay with the Gods shalt meet a sudden demise...along with thine life.

OOO!  Why don'tchu go fuck your mother some more, fat boy!  I don't even wanna play this stupid game.  You two are such douchebags...wait!  No!  Not the sword!  AAA!  Don't cut off my head!  I won't be able to call you guys faggots without a head...

[stab]

He was sucheth an athhole.

Yeth.  Yeth, he wath.

World's Shortest Mystery

Who killed this poor Pokemon hooker?

I did.

Oh.  I didn't see you standing over there covered in blood and holding that sledgehammer.

I tried to get away but I'm kind of tired.

More Worthless Than A Lifeguard At The Summer Olympics

I think I just saw a mosquito.

Shh.  I don't want to think about death right now.  I'm trying really hard to focus on not falling asleep while standing up.

There's coffee in the break room.

I'm cool.  The Russian water polo team just hooked me up with a giant bag of Adderall.

It's a really nice day out.  Can't wait to go jump into the water myself.

Sure.  If you want to die from shit water AIDS.

Is that a real thing?

None of this is real.  These are all just over-glorified, bio-engineered F-list celebrities vying for a sneaker contract that will pay them through community college and make their name tags look more recognizable at the monthly job fairs.

You have a lot of anger issues.

Your feet stink.

Yeah,  It's true.  Think it's because of these shoes I got from the Chinese pole-vaulter.

Why did he give you his shoes?

She.

Even more bizarre.  Why did she give you her shoes?

She said she didn't want them anymore because they were making her feet stink.

Does she have another pair?

I don't know.  Why don't you ask her?

Because I don't speak Chinese.

Oh, neither do I.  I just pulled out a gun and pointed it at her head and she figured it out pretty quickly.

Every Asian person on Earth is so smart.

Honest Names For Reality TV Shows

Cops >>> Black Lives Splatter

The Bachelor <<< Date Rape Bingo

Keeping Up With The Kardashians >>> Soft Turd Of A Sick Dog

Jersey Shore <<< 600 Pounds Of Dick Meat

Storage Wars >>> White Trash Wife-Swap And A Lamp

American Idol <<< Micheal J. Fox Handjob After 10 Red Bulls

Real World >>> Fighting Over What To Name A Puppy

Dancing With The Stars <<< Fucking On Top Of Fortune Cookies

America's Next Top Model >>> Duck Face, Duck Fart, Duct Tape

The Amazing Race >>> Taking A Laptop To A Park To Look At Porn.

The Apprentice <<< Incriminating DNA Found On A Clown Suit

Sharing Human Insanity With Adorable Creatures

Better white people impressions: Dave Chappelle or Eddie Murphy?

Chappelle.  Hands down.  It's pretty much 75% of his act, man.  He's got it.

Yeah, but Murphy's iconic bit on SNL about being an undercover white person is in the top five most amazing things that have ever happened on this planet.

That's one bit up against a hundred million.  C'mon, did you even think this thing through or are you just running off at the mouth again?

The verbal diarrhea is feeling an extra bit runny today.  Think I'm hungover.

Has anybody ever figured out why people are so horny when they are hungover?

Are you saying that I'm horny right now?

Well, you did just jazz all over that donut.

Yeah, but that was 2 minutes ago.  Don't you think I'm done with being horny now that all that jazz has exited my nut sack?

Author's note:  Time out.  It should be known that I am obviously attempting to write 'jizz' but my computer's auto-correct application is such an overtly critical shithead that it wants to stamp a PG rating on my existence so I'm just going to humor it for the rest of this particular writing exercise and get back to being my normal grotesque self on the next one.  I promise.  Now, back to story at hand...

Don't you just love bunnies?

Oh, my, yes.

They're so cute and have such huge personalities.  Makes me wanna snuggle them to death.

You should see how their ears wiggle when they hear smooth jazz.

Oh, they fucking love the sound, feel and taste of smooth jazz.

Who Writes This Shit?

Okay.
I know what none of you are thinking.
Why write a blog if you don't ever take the time to write it?
Okay.
Maybe that's not what anybody is thinking.
I always hate it when people preamble a a shitty comment with "I know what you're thinking".
No you don't.
You'll say that I thinking something parallel to the conversation you've been having at my skull for 2 minutes, 3 days and 10 years but what's really going on is a jambalaya of unicorn robots shooting lasers at burning clowns and pumpkin elves in the midst of a civil war on the planet Fucktron.
Sorry for the run-on sentence.
We have a piss-poor educational infrastructure on planet Fucktron.

A Carrot Cannot Kill A Pterodactyl

I'll bet you that I can kill a person with any single object on Earth.

Oh, yeah?  Even with a single section of a toilet paper roll?

Yep.  Easy.  Slide it up a person's nose while they're sleeping.  It'll block their breathing and they will die of asphyxiation.

Hmm.  How about a dog turd?

Put it in their waffle iron.  When they make breakfast in the morning the chunks of shit in the batter with eat away the victim's soul.

Wow, I never knew you were so well-versed in science.

Yeah, I get an overabundance of use out of the left hemisphere of my brain.

Is that because the other side is missing after your failed suicide attempt with the shotgun?

The doctor let me keep the remaining parts in a jar.

That's nice.  Don't what you've got 'til it's gone, eh?

I accidentally dumped it into a waffle iron.

Soooooo, how would you go about the killing business with a tiny feather?

I would duck tape it to a sword and cram in into their eye socket.

A speck of sand?

Tape it to mail bomb that I would attach to their next Amazon delivery.

A dollop of butter?

I would lube up a fence post and slowly impale them.

The stem of a maraschino cherry?

Give it to Charlie Sheen to use as a sounding rod and then put it under their pillow and give them AIDS through osmosis.

Phew, well I am fresh out of thoughts for the day.  Looks like you are truly the master of your domain on this subject.

It's what I do.

Hope you won't get too upset that I'm not gonna finish the rest of my waffle.

No problem.  I'd offer you a sandwich bag to take it home in but I used my last one to kill the family next door.

That's kind of a downer, man.  They seemed really nice.

Oh, they died really nicely.

Top 5 Suspects In The Death Of Comedy

1.)  That's what she said.

2.)  That would make a great t-shirt.

3.)  That would be a great name for band.

4.)  They need to make an app for that.

5.)  Quoting Louis C.K. bits to smart women at bars in hopes that they will be temporarily ignorant of your true shittiness and blow you in a parking lot.

Unacceptable Words To Play When Playing Words With Friends With Your Girlfriend After She Fails A Pregnancy Test

oops

latex

allergy

just

put

tip

in

bye (triple word score)

Fashion! Turn To The Left. Fashion! Turn To The Right.

It's official.

Yeah?

I.  Now.  Own.  Zero.  Cargo.  Shorts.

Wow.  Big day.

That's right.  And I don't have any cargo pants, either.

Slow down.  Breathe.  Enjoy the moment.

And!  AND!  AAAANNNDD!!!!  We are living in a kangaroo-free zone.  Matter of fact, there are no marsupials anywhere near this house.

Well, yeah.  You're not allowed within 500 feet of any zoo for a reason.

That's not the point!

I've made a terrible mistake...

No, you're fine.  Just listen.

...no, really, I broke an egg making this omelet.  Dammit, I really thought I was better than that.

SILENCE!  Now hear this!  From this day forth I will no longer be in the direct presence of any clothing or animal that has a gigantic pouch attached to it.  That means if my back pocket has my wallet and my two front pockets are stashing my keys and cellular phone device and my two hands are occupied by a glass of milk and a flamboyant butterfly then take a moment and THINK before you hand me anything because i will have no place on my body that will fit your object.

Not true.  You still have one back pocket.  If I hand you something small, like money or a wet pack of matches, you should be able to fit them with ease.

Motherfucker.  Why didn't I think of that?

You know you're not allowed to be anywhere near a butterfly, right?

Foodborne Illness

You ever embarrass yourself when there's nobody else around?

Oh, hell yeah.  I once dropped a hot cup of broccoli and cheddar soup onto my dick because I was too horny and too hungry to not jerk off while eating.

Yikes.

Yep.  Pretty embarrassing.

Fuck embarrassing.  That sounds painful.  I hope you didn't get any molten chunks stuck in your dickhole.

I did, as a matter a fact.  Worse even, the doctor didn't believe my story.

You should have punched him.

I did.  He blocked it and kicked me in the balls.  Ruptured a couple of the blisters on my nut sack.

Oof.  Did he at least fix the damage to your testicles?

Kind of.  He apologized and gave me a lollipop.

How old were your when this happened?

43.  It was during the surprise birthday party I threw for myself at the local soup kitchen.

And there were no people there?

Well, it was on fire so the people who were in there were all dead.

Probably explains why the soup was so hot.