Unacceptable Words To Play When Playing Words With Friends With Your Girlfriend After She Fails A Pregnancy Test

oops

latex

allergy

just

put

tip

in

bye (triple word score)

Fashion! Turn To The Left. Fashion! Turn To The Right.

It's official.

Yeah?

I.  Now.  Own.  Zero.  Cargo.  Shorts.

Wow.  Big day.

That's right.  And I don't have any cargo pants, either.

Slow down.  Breathe.  Enjoy the moment.

And!  AND!  AAAANNNDD!!!!  We are living in a kangaroo-free zone.  Matter of fact, there are no marsupials anywhere near this house.

Well, yeah.  You're not allowed within 500 feet of any zoo for a reason.

That's not the point!

I've made a terrible mistake...

No, you're fine.  Just listen.

...no, really, I broke an egg making this omelet.  Dammit, I really thought I was better than that.

SILENCE!  Now hear this!  From this day forth I will no longer be in the direct presence of any clothing or animal that has a gigantic pouch attached to it.  That means if my back pocket has my wallet and my two front pockets are stashing my keys and cellular phone device and my two hands are occupied by a glass of milk and a flamboyant butterfly then take a moment and THINK before you hand me anything because i will have no place on my body that will fit your object.

Not true.  You still have one back pocket.  If I hand you something small, like money or a wet pack of matches, you should be able to fit them with ease.

Motherfucker.  Why didn't I think of that?

You know you're not allowed to be anywhere near a butterfly, right?

Foodborne Illness

You ever embarrass yourself when there's nobody else around?

Oh, hell yeah.  I once dropped a hot cup of broccoli and cheddar soup onto my dick because I was too horny and too hungry to not jerk off while eating.

Yikes.

Yep.  Pretty embarrassing.

Fuck embarrassing.  That sounds painful.  I hope you didn't get any molten chunks stuck in your dickhole.

I did, as a matter a fact.  Worse even, the doctor didn't believe my story.

You should have punched him.

I did.  He blocked it and kicked me in the balls.  Ruptured a couple of the blisters on my nut sack.

Oof.  Did he at least fix the damage to your testicles?

Kind of.  He apologized and gave me a lollipop.

How old were your when this happened?

43.  It was during the surprise birthday party I threw for myself at the local soup kitchen.

And there were no people there?

Well, it was on fire so the people who were in there were all dead.

Probably explains why the soup was so hot.

A Nazi Skinhead Group-Text

HeY, all!

S'up?

Yeah, what's going on?

I'm beating a chink with a sock full of quarters right now.  Can this wait?

exits conversation at 4:20

Oh,..yeah.  LOL.  Yer fine.  you other two GOt a sec?

I'm about to step out and spray-paint swastikas on my brand new Prius.

Oh kewl...Aren't u a Lyft driver?  That's a good IDeea.  keep your clientele honest>

You know it.  Peace out.

exits conversation at 4:29

I like that guuy.  You still there, number 3?

Are you typing this with your dick, dude?  What's wrong with you?

Dude!  Not cool!  You knooow my sister bit mi dik off WheN I waz yung!>/!!!!)

What?  Are you fucking serious?

Naw, man.  I'm playing with you.  There was a booger on my phone screen and I was trying to just text around it.  I finally just grabbed some Indian bitch and rubbed it off on the retarded dot on her forehead.

Phew.  For a minute there I thought something was severely wrong with you.

Final Job Interview For Picking The "On Hold" Music For Comcast

So, you've listed Kenny Loggins as a personal reference.

Yeah, we go way back.

I'm definitely a fan of his early stuff but, man, he got a little out there when he started doing the hard stuff.

Hard stuff?

Yeah.  Danger Zone.  Whew.  That one was rough.

He might have been hitting the wine coolers a little hard that month.  Think it was around the time that his dog died.

Ooo, yeah, I can see how that could drive a man to lash out a bit.

Yeah, he was in a dark place for almost a whole day.  Then he made another million dollars and bought a new dog.

Well, that's certainly an uplifting end to that story.

That dog died, too.

Oof.  He certainly doesn't have much luck with animal companions, does he?

He smashed that one in head with a golf club.

What a horrible accident.

No, it was on purpose.

I'm speechless.

It's name was Muffy.

Adorable.

Named after his wife's vagina.

We seem to have gotten off-track.

Sorry, I tend to ramble when I skip my pills...

It happens.

...right before I kill someone.

I'm the third manager this week.  Pretty sure you're my replacement.

Caitlyn Jenner's Week 14 Fantasy Football Advice

Who should I start as my quarterback this week?

Ooh!  Start the cute one!  (pause)  I don't know why that came out of my mouth.  I don't even care about boys.  I just did all of this to myself so that I could sit down to pee.

Is it wise to start a back up running back versus a top tier defense even with home field advantage?

Put an apple in my mouth and pretend I'm a cooked pig!  (pause)  What the fuck was that?  I hate fruit. I'm totally a vegetables kind of girl.

I'm feeling the injury bug.  Who's a viable tight end option out there on the waiver wire?

Dude!  I just nailed the hottest bitch in her tight end the other day!  (pause)  I just realized that I'm getting way more pussy now that I have a pussy.

My wide receivers are retarded and...wait a minute...you don't have a pussy.  You still have your cock and balls.  I just saw them popping out of your mini skirt when we were in the line at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

Look at my fucking hair!  It's long!  Like girl hair!  Would a boy paint his finger nails red?  Fuck, no, he wouldn't!  Not unless he was some kind of sissy faggotfucker!  And I'll have you know that I look way better in this dress than those Kardashian cunts, so back off!  (pause)  Sorry, honey.  I don't know what came over me.  I think my hormones are out of whack.

You paid money for this?

I Would Hate To Date A Time Traveller

Where were you last night?

Oh, come on.  This is bullshit.  You know where I was.  You always know the answer to every question that you ever ask me.

Not true.

Don't get cute.  I know that this could be your second, third or fiftieth go around this particular moment in the space/time continuum.  So, quit playing games and just get to what's on your mind.

Well, yesterday I was just farting around in 1835 and I got wild hair up my ass to go watch Mark Twain being born...

Again?  What's with you and needing to see that so badly?

There's not a lot going on in 1835.

Isn't there a cool battle going on somewhere that you can watch?

I might have started that war, actually.

Really?

It was a misunderstanding.  Who knew the Vietnamese at that time understood the significance of the middle finger?

Hmm.  Maybe they were hungry.

Well, they're all dead or French now.  So, who fucking cares?

Can we skip the nonsense, please.  Look, I know that you know that I know that you know that every single event on Earth is capable of being molded by your whim.  So whatever it is that you are pissed off at me about from last night is basically your fault because you failed to have it happen in the correct manner that suits you.  Thanks for subjugating my free will to your infinite passing fancy, asshole.

It's not just last night.

I'm sorry.  Am I supposed to worry about the next bad decision I make 17 years from now?

Well, while we're on that subject...

Fuck off.

...That might be the next war I start.