A Nazi Skinhead Group-Text

HeY, all!

S'up?

Yeah, what's going on?

I'm beating a chink with a sock full of quarters right now.  Can this wait?

exits conversation at 4:20

Oh,..yeah.  LOL.  Yer fine.  you other two GOt a sec?

I'm about to step out and spray-paint swastikas on my brand new Prius.

Oh kewl...Aren't u a Lyft driver?  That's a good IDeea.  keep your clientele honest>

You know it.  Peace out.

exits conversation at 4:29

I like that guuy.  You still there, number 3?

Are you typing this with your dick, dude?  What's wrong with you?

Dude!  Not cool!  You knooow my sister bit mi dik off WheN I waz yung!>/!!!!)

What?  Are you fucking serious?

Naw, man.  I'm playing with you.  There was a booger on my phone screen and I was trying to just text around it.  I finally just grabbed some Indian bitch and rubbed it off on the retarded dot on her forehead.

Phew.  For a minute there I thought something was severely wrong with you.

Final Job Interview For Picking The "On Hold" Music For Comcast

So, you've listed Kenny Loggins as a personal reference.

Yeah, we go way back.

I'm definitely a fan of his early stuff but, man, he got a little out there when he started doing the hard stuff.

Hard stuff?

Yeah.  Danger Zone.  Whew.  That one was rough.

He might have been hitting the wine coolers a little hard that month.  Think it was around the time that his dog died.

Ooo, yeah, I can see how that could drive a man to lash out a bit.

Yeah, he was in a dark place for almost a whole day.  Then he made another million dollars and bought a new dog.

Well, that's certainly an uplifting end to that story.

That dog died, too.

Oof.  He certainly doesn't have much luck with animal companions, does he?

He smashed that one in head with a golf club.

What a horrible accident.

No, it was on purpose.

I'm speechless.

It's name was Muffy.

Adorable.

Named after his wife's vagina.

We seem to have gotten off-track.

Sorry, I tend to ramble when I skip my pills...

It happens.

...right before I kill someone.

I'm the third manager this week.  Pretty sure you're my replacement.

Caitlyn Jenner's Week 14 Fantasy Football Advice

Who should I start as my quarterback this week?

Ooh!  Start the cute one!  (pause)  I don't know why that came out of my mouth.  I don't even care about boys.  I just did all of this to myself so that I could sit down to pee.

Is it wise to start a back up running back versus a top tier defense even with home field advantage?

Put an apple in my mouth and pretend I'm a cooked pig!  (pause)  What the fuck was that?  I hate fruit. I'm totally a vegetables kind of girl.

I'm feeling the injury bug.  Who's a viable tight end option out there on the waiver wire?

Dude!  I just nailed the hottest bitch in her tight end the other day!  (pause)  I just realized that I'm getting way more pussy now that I have a pussy.

My wide receivers are retarded and...wait a minute...you don't have a pussy.  You still have your cock and balls.  I just saw them popping out of your mini skirt when we were in the line at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

Look at my fucking hair!  It's long!  Like girl hair!  Would a boy paint his finger nails red?  Fuck, no, he wouldn't!  Not unless he was some kind of sissy faggotfucker!  And I'll have you know that I look way better in this dress than those Kardashian cunts, so back off!  (pause)  Sorry, honey.  I don't know what came over me.  I think my hormones are out of whack.

You paid money for this?

I Would Hate To Date A Time Traveller

Where were you last night?

Oh, come on.  This is bullshit.  You know where I was.  You always know the answer to every question that you ever ask me.

Not true.

Don't get cute.  I know that this could be your second, third or fiftieth go around this particular moment in the space/time continuum.  So, quit playing games and just get to what's on your mind.

Well, yesterday I was just farting around in 1835 and I got wild hair up my ass to go watch Mark Twain being born...

Again?  What's with you and needing to see that so badly?

There's not a lot going on in 1835.

Isn't there a cool battle going on somewhere that you can watch?

I might have started that war, actually.

Really?

It was a misunderstanding.  Who knew the Vietnamese at that time understood the significance of the middle finger?

Hmm.  Maybe they were hungry.

Well, they're all dead or French now.  So, who fucking cares?

Can we skip the nonsense, please.  Look, I know that you know that I know that you know that every single event on Earth is capable of being molded by your whim.  So whatever it is that you are pissed off at me about from last night is basically your fault because you failed to have it happen in the correct manner that suits you.  Thanks for subjugating my free will to your infinite passing fancy, asshole.

It's not just last night.

I'm sorry.  Am I supposed to worry about the next bad decision I make 17 years from now?

Well, while we're on that subject...

Fuck off.

...That might be the next war I start.

Colorado Vs. Planned Parenthood

Man, I really wish young women would be more responsible when they have sex.

Shoot 'em.

Abortion shouldn't be used as a form of birth control.  It's a human life we're talking about.

Fuck that, shoot 'em.

How many babies are we going to allow to be thrown into a trash can before somebody takes a stand on this?

I own one hundred machine guns for hunting rabbits.  Let's shoot 'em.

I've got a good mind to write Barack Obama an email and let him know that I think his non-chalant stance on this hot-button issue could cost him his reelection next year.

He's black, let's shoot...wait a minute.  He can't run for president.  He's already been elected twice.

Well, don't you think if he had spent less time dilly-dallying around with healthcare, college basketball brackets and smoking crack that he could have allocated more resources towards educating women on the mistake they have between their legs?

Are you familiar with the concept of "friendly fire"?

Yeah, that's the lie the terrorists came up with when they killed Pat Tillman.

Just look at the flowers.

ISIS reviews on Yelp

Applebee's: **

"We were promptly greeted at the door by a young woman who identified herself as Amy.  Within minutes we were placed into a long plush booth where our party of four sat comfortably while removing her spine with our place settings   The remainder of the visit was spent contemplating how the food and drinks would have tasted had we allowed the staff to live."

Starbucks: ****

"We forced the hostages to sip their drinks as we simultaneously cut their throats.  This created quite a robust elixir of caffeinated gore--of which our newer recruits were quite a bit more fond than the drab daily suckling of sweat from our beards."

Seattle Strip Clubs: *

"Where were the goats?"

Pumpkin Beer: n/a

"We don't drink.  It's wrong."

A Coffee Break At Playboy Magazine

I just wrote seven thousand words on Eddie Vedder's new haircut.

Ooo.  Good for you.  I hear that he's a really nice guy.  Did you meet him for some micro beers during the interview?

Naw, I made the whole story up.  Figured that not even one person on Earth is going to read the article anyway.

Yeah, I pulled that same stunt last month with a story on Africa and the AIDS epidemic.

Is that even a story anymore?

Well, I was actually doing a follow-up on a Lamar Odom cannibal orgy that had reportedly happened in the Ivory Coast region and I sort of stumbled upon a mass grave of dead children and then I just took a few pictures and tweaked a few details and then ten thousand words came out of my lap top and I got paid a lot of money.

That's quite an interesting writing process you have there.

Yeah, I dropped out of a really good school.

Do you always talk in run-on sentences?

Sometimes.  I'm not sure.  I get hit in the head a lot.  Hey, have you seen the cute new intern?

Hell, yeah!  She's hot!

Right!?

Just what we needed to break up the sausage fest around here.  Is she a writer, too?

No, I think she does the layouts for the tampon ads.

Oof, she's gonna have her work cut out for her down there.  Lot of competition for that job.

Could be a short stint for her.  Better get on that one quick.

Absolutely.

But first we gotta figure out which team she plays for, you know what I'm saying?

I'm picking up what yer laying down, my man.

Five bucks says it cocaine.

Ten bucks on vodka and pills.

[fist bump]