Dear Internet Porn Has Always Known That Black Lives Matter

Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs

Greatest Hits: Having The Memory Of An Elephant

Donald Trump barges into his physician's office and bellows, "Help!  My asshole is fucking yuge!"

The doctor, removing himself from tending to the needs of another patient, turns around and says, "Okay.  Drops your pants, bend over and let's address the situation."

The president does as he's instructed.

The man screams, "Whoa!  What on Earth could have possibly happened to make your butthole such a gaping mess!?"

Trump answers, "I got fucked up the ass by an elephant."

Disgusted, the health official suspiciously declares, "An elephant's penis is very long but relatively skinny.  This cavernous maw is as wide as it is deep, not the result of just having anal sex with an alphas maximus!"

With a small tear in one eye, trump whispers, "He fingered me first."

Greatest Hits: I'll Have What Cheese Having

Donald Trump walks into a busy bar during a popular Friday night happy hour rush in New York City and orders a blended raspberry mojito with half a sugared-rim and a garnish of skewered donuts lit on fire.

The bartender, amid shaking two other cocktails at once, says, "Just a heads up, sir...that particular drink order is going to take me at least and hour to complete."

"Why?" Asks the President.

Whilst deftly forging an orange rind into the shape of a mermaid with his knife, the young man answers, "Because I'm lactose-intolerant."

Trump wrinkles his brow in confusion and replies, "So what?"

He hands the libations off to a gracious couple sitting nearby, turns around to face the Commander In Chief and replies, "Well, it's going to take that much time for me to eat a block of cheese, come over there, pull down my pants and take a nasty diarrhea shit inside your mouth."

Greatest Hits: The Truth Hurts

Donald J. Trump buys a lie detector robot that slaps people whenever they utter a falsehood.  He unveils his new toy at the dinner that evening with his family.

"So, Barron." He coos, with a mouthful of french fries. "What did you do with yourself today?"

The young man answers, "I did some math homework, Pop."

The robot quickly reaches out with a clenched fist and smashes him in the face.

Rubbing his sore jaw, he admits, "Okay!  I was at a friend's house watching a movie!  Jeez!"

While swallowing an entire cheeseburger in one bite, the President then asks, "What movie did you watch?"

"Uh, Toy Story 2."

The robot immediately pounds the son upside the head again.

"Okay!  We were watching porn!  Jeez!"

Trump, squeezing a packet of ketchup directly into his mouth, says, "When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot backhands the father.

Melania, giggling with a hand over her mouth, says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot stands up from its chair, rips off its own head and explodes.

Greatest Hits: Death Becums Her

What's the best part of every Trump joke?

The execution.

Greatest Hits: Alzheimer's In The Family

Donald Trump, Mike Pence and William Barr are all standing around a cookie in the White House kitchen, jerking off with thumbs up their asses when the Attorney General says, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful.  This morning I was standing at the top of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down, homey."

The Vice President snickers. "Sheeeiit, playah.  You think that's bad?  The other day I was scratching my nut sack while sitting on the side of my bed and couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up."

The Commander-In-Chief smiles and says, "Well, gangstas, my memory is just as good as it's ever been...knock on wood."

He raps the surface of a nearby table three times.

"Now, you guys relax.  I'll go answer the door."