Hot Enough, For Ya?

It's hot.

Go jump in the lake.

The lake is full of piranhas.  They will eat me alive.

Fuck.  I paid that guy not to tell you after he filled it with piranhas last night.  What an asshole.

You know that I'm allergic to piranha bites, right?

Wha...?  So, sorry.

Yeah.  I break out into these huge losses of flesh all over my body if they even get near me.  Should have thought about that, dontcha think?

My bad.  Think I confused my vanilla latte with my enbalming fluid this morning.

You should have some Mr. Yuck stickers handy for that.

All of those are on my dick.

Can't need too many.  Pretty small surface area if I'm trusting your Instagram account to be accurate.

They don't stick to scabs.

Gluten Allergy Options at Every Restaurant On Earth

Dirt

Gum underneath the tables

Fruit fly cum

The feces that collects on your cell phone while you text dick-pics to your ex whenever you take a shit at a fine dining establishment on a date with his/her sister.

My ass

Your mother

Bullets

Fear

Have you read the article in the New Yorker about the earthquake that's going to kill everybody on

the West coast?

No.  Those dickheads wrote that to make themselves feel better about planes crashing into their tourist destinations.

It's important to have five days worth of drinking water.

I have five days worth of cocaine.  

It's gonna be really big.  9.0.

I have five days worth of cocaine.

If the tremors don't force the ground to open up and chew you to pieces the tsunami will kill you twenty minutes later on.

I just busted off a few lines.  I think that I'm Jesus and I'm never going to die.  Suck my dick, please.

I can't blow you right now; I'm too busy trying pick out the right man-purse that will match my orange jumpsuit that I plan to wear for the next 100 years after the nuclear fall-out from all of the Jack-In-The-Box fryolators in King County exploding at the same time.

Reminds me: I've always wanted to make a tee shirt that read "WHAT IF IT REALLY DID SUCK ITSELF"? with an American flag font and a chick with huge tits riding a motorcycle?

Okay, I admit, I never actually read that New Yorker article.

Fuck.  This has been such a waste of cocaine.

USA Women Vs. Japan Women World Cup Shit-Talk

We melted your grandparents back in 1945!

We fuck your preppy boyfriends with our amazing sideways pussies!

We're gay!  We don't care about boys!

We get raped every morning in front of schoolchildren and then go to work writing Javascript for alien rape porn!

We hate rice!

We hate french fries!

You killed millions of innocent Chinese people!

You killed one or two black people!  We're not really sure of the exact number because we don't care.

You have strange game shows!

You have odd Alaskan female politicians!

You...uh...fuck, yeah, sorry about that.

You...uh...wasn't ready for an apology quite that soon.  Are we friends now?

Maybe.

Okay then.

{pause}

This sucks. 

Top Ten Things That Will Happen When You Delete Your FaceBook Page

10)  Nobody on the planet will ever laugh again.

9)  Your exes will all text you at the same time to apologize and send you ten thousand dollars.

8)  The Pope will smoke crack and die.

7)  Elephants will grow wings and fly to your house to feed you breakfast every day for the rest of your life.

6)  You will become okay with gluten.

5)  Jesus will rise again just to smoke crack and die.

4)  Nobody will ever know where you are when you're drunk.

3)  AIDS will be cured...except for all newborns in Massachusetts.

2)  Obama will finally feel comfortable wearing a Confederate flag as a cape in his GG Allin cover band.

1)  Your head will be skullfucked at your open-casket funeral by Hitler elves and abortion clowns.

First World Problems

I'm hungry.

Me, too.  Let's eat.  What're you in the mood for?

Not Mexican.  I found a taco inside one of my dirty socks when i was doing laundry this morning.

Wow, that's strange.

Yeah, right?  I usually wear flip-flops.  Why the hell do I own one sock?

It's pretty hot out today.  Maybe something mellow like soup or salad?

All this humidity is brewing a soupy crotch roux between my legs.  My pussy lips feel like two Fruit Roll-Ups being cooked on an engine block.

How about pizza?  Can't go wrong with pizza, unless you're one of those dickheads from Chicago who still pretend that fat crusts and hockey are relevant.

That's too much bread.  I'm on a diet.

What?  Why?  You're 4'11" and probably weigh 80 lbs. soaking wet.  You couldn't be any smaller if you tried.

I just want to look like someone that R. Kelly would find attractive.

The fact that you even know his name means that you are too old for him to want to fuck.

Oh, boo.  Don't say that.  I'll just get depressed and when I get depressed I eat a lot of junk food.

Cool.  Junk food it is.  McDonald's?  Subway?  KFC?

I'm just gonna go see what I can find in that other sock.

I Hate People Who Brag About How Much Water They Drink and How Far They Walk Everyday

The color of your pee doesn't look right.  You should drink more water.

That isn't pee.  I melted a box of Crayons with a blow torch. 

I have an app on my phone that says I've walked to the abortion clinic twice today.

Wow.  Ten steps.  That's a lot for a white person.

I identify as being black.

You need an English speaking app.