The Many Suspicious Details Surrounding Jeffery Epstein's Life And Death

Being taken off of suicide watch 3 months after the disappointing ending to Game of Thrones.

Previously found bruises on his non-organic Whole Foods bananas.

Thousands of missing postcards that Hillary Clinton wrote to O.J. Simpson, all saying " I think Epstein fucked your wife.  When she was 10.".

Prince Andrew's British teeth are actually straight.

Cellmate transferred to a women's prison hours before the apparent suicide as an emergency fill-in judge for the annual lingerie pillow-fight contest.

Guards falling asleep while fucking teach other in the shower.

Hanging himself with the strings from Trump's favorite KKK hoodie.

William Barr has an aneurysm on live television, falls down a flight of stairs, explodes his colostomy bag and drowns himself in his own doughnut diarrhea buuuuut comes back to life after being buried in a pet cemetery as a much nicer person.

10 Ways That You Can Tell Your House Plants Are Racist

1.)  They need 23 hours of direct Fox News a day.

2.)  Peace Lilies have Steve Bannon tramp stamp tattoos over their nonexistent butts.

3.)  Succulents dry up when you ask your Google toaster to play hip-hop.

4.)  The Weeping Figs have a block party on Hitler's birthday.

5.)  Boston Ferns' casual observations about any sporting event.

6.)  Dieffenbachia blame Obama for his poor 8-year policy of inaction against aggressive aphids.

7.)  Heart Leaf Philodendrons blackface pictures in other peoples yearbooks.

8.)  Aloe Vera Pro-Life butt lube.

9.)  Venus Fly Traps spit out dung beetles at nearby African Violets.

10.) Norfolk Island Pine driving lesson discounts for alt-right protests.

Republican Gwar Tribute Band

Putin: "Chechnya Self B-4U Wreck US Elf" (band manager)

Mitch McConnell: "Elder Rod Cream-Pirate" (lead croakals)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: "Slaggus Orgasmus" (snarl drum)

Orrin Hatch: "Flat Girther Chugbone" (meddle, steal, leotard)

Eric Trump: "Wet Goodfellow" (back-up nothing to see here)

Lindsey Graham: "Legend Of Schmegma" (rusty trombone, skin flute, cock)

David Duke: "Honky Felchah" (hatey-hate keys)

Donald J. Trump: "Putin On Da Ritz" (lead lyre)

Translating Melania Trump's "Be Best" Slogan To Leaders Of Foreign Countries

Finland:  We've actually never seen a rake before, but they sound nice.

United Kingdom:  C'mon.  Be realistic.  That blimp isn't nearly fat enough.

Japan:  He doesn't eat anything fishy unless Ivanka's showing cleavage.

Haiti:  You have a lovely shithole.  Did you just have it raked?

Russia:  When you take off your shirt and ride around in circles on a horse it reminds me of my wedding night.

France:  We hope to have a parade like this when Barron finds his first nude pictures of me on the internet.

China:  I thought my husband had the Chinese character for "cheeseburger" on his ankle when we first met.  Turns out, it's actually a huge cluster of varicose veins.  Phew!   Dodged a bullet there!

Saudi Arabia:  He just can't keep his hands off of big round glowing pussies ever since our last visit.

Germany:  Just heard about World War II.  Sorry for your loss.

Iran:  Odd.  When I asked my husband where we were going today and he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Somewhere that starts with the letter 'I' and treats their women like dogshit" I thought he meant we were going to Indiana.

New Zealand:  Just heard about the mass shooting at the mosque.  Do you need more bullets?

Israel:  We're struggling to find our own peace agreement over the strip of land between Ivankas' legs.

Mexico:  I loved your character on "COPS".

North Korea:  Seriously, what the fuck does a rake look like?  Is the severed head of your mother spiked on one in the guest bathroom?

Nambia:  I'm confused.  If black people can't swim, then how did they get to America?

Alabama:  I know that dolls and candy are more expensive after the China tariffs, Mr. Moore.  Maybe you need a cheaper hobby.

19 Things You'll Miss When You're Dead

1.  cobras
2.  special olympics highlight reels
3.  straight-to-VHS police academy sequels
4.  mixed tapes of leaf blowers



5.  connecticut
6.  people who die while typing job resumes

seven:  dick pics

8.  telling the dentist you're gay
9.  unstretched mozzarella
10.  4 non blondes tribute bands
11.  bot flies
twelve.  skull-fucking

13.  porn stars that look like people you know
14.  writing "poof" on cop cars
15.  senior citizens who age badly around their plastic surgery
16.  jerking off on toilet paper
17.  thunder jazz
18.  suicide bomber surprise birthday parties

19.  blogs

How Don Trump Says "I Love You" To...

...Mexicans:  You're paying for this hair spray.

...Robert Mueller:  I can't even spell collusion.  But I could probably find it on a map.

...Stormy Daniels:  You remind me of my daughter.  Her vagina is also very smart.

...Wilbur Ross:  I need some exercise.  Let me pull on your neck skin for a minute.

...his golf caddie:  I threw my back out pulling on Wilbur's neck again.  Here's a check for 5 dollars to make this small ball go into that faraway hole 18 times.  And, of course, be discreet.

...Vladimir Putin:  I like it when you take off your shirt and ride around on a horse.  It reminds me of my daughter.

...Betsy Devos:  Seriously, how do you spell collusion?  I'm not seeing it on any of these maps.

...Kelly Conway:  If you shave your head, you could be Wilbur Ross for Halloween.

...Hillary Clinton:  Your daughter would be much prettier if she'd come out of my dick.

...Barack Obama:  Go back to your shithole birth-certificate.

...ISIS:  Here's a check for 5 dollars to kill my caddie.  He's been leaking my golf scores to illegal immigrants.

...Sarah Sanders:  Okay, because you've done two press conferences this month, you're currently beating the hell out of me in the 2019 lying contest.  Buuuuuuut I'm about to go eat lunch with my wife, have a campaign rally outside of a burning church in North Carolina aaaaand do an interview on Fox News about how I'm saving Americans billions of dollars with my new executive order  that eliminates oxygen from the air.  Try not to choke on my dust, loser.

...Jared Kushner:  Let me smell yo dick.

...a cheeseburger:  Soon, you will be seeing MY shithole country.

...Don, Jr:  Your mother and I are very proud of you for not being completely 100% retarded.

...Rosanne Barr:  Here's a check for 5 dollars to write my next tweet.  I've run out of insults for minorities.

...Kid Rock:  Do you have any power ballads about fingerbanging on the first date in your discography?  I'm making a mix-tape for my daughter.  I call it, "Let Me Smell Yo Bidet".

...Diamond and Silk:  Look, I appreciate that you guys love me and all, but I actually ordered all of this food for just me.

...Puerto Rico:  I'd let you listen to the mix-tape that I made for my daughter but you guys still haven't gotten your power turned on, so that obviously isn't going to happen.  Also, you're paying for this fucking hairspray.

...the black hole photographed from 55 million light-years away:  I love you, Melania.

6 Awful Things That Are Better When Covered In Owl Shit

1.)  Whales

2.)  Origami of a Kelly-Anne Conway Titfuck

3.)  Books about translating porn to blind people

4.)  Sadie Hawkins dances in an Alabama prison

FIvE.)  Boomerangs at the petting zoo

666.)  Kevin Costner movies about owl shit

The Un-Redacted Dr. Suess Report On Russian Assholery

You're never too old,
too wacky, too wild,
to pick up a book
and read to a child.

Be who you are,
and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.

From there to here,
and here to there.
funny things are everywhere.

If things start happening,
don't worry, don't stew.
just go right along,
and you'll start happening, too.

A person's a person,
no matter how small,
do not give up,
I believe in you all.

Except, to Trump,
his kids and his wife,
fuck you all
in the ass with a knife.*

*a sharp object that hurts the anus

Exact Points In A Sentence When You Should Stop Listening

Like...

Fact of the matter is...

...and, then i was like...

Literally...

...like, then...

Make America...

I know what you're thinking.

...and she was like...

Irregardless...

I'm from Alabama.

...like, realllllllly...

Needless to say...

Wilbur Ross says...

...my grandfather was like...

Military discount.

John Bobbitt fan club.

...like, so mad...

...you'll never believe, like...

OMG

...like a ferret said whaaaaaa...

...then, like, tuberculosis...

...and, Instagram was sooooo like...

...like, vegan bacon soup...

LOL

@realDonaldTrump

Dear Internet...

Massive Sounds Of The Apocalypse

What was that?

What was what?

Sounded like an explosion followed by screaming.

Oh, yeah,  I heard that, too.  It's probably nothing.

Oh, phew.  I was worried.

It's fine.  Go back to sleep.

Sleep?  We were in the middle of making love.

Is that what was happening?  Sorry, the lights are out.  Thought maybe you were massaging me down there with some old French Toast.

Holy fuck!  Did you hear that one?

Yeah.  That had a really damp and painful resonance to it.

Sounds like it was closer than the last one, too.

I'm pretty sure I put the cat outside.  Maybe she's just playing with an old microwave oven in the pool.

Right, she does that sometimes.  Jeez, you really are amazing at keeping an even head in stressful scenarios.  What's your secret?

I keep a stress ball under the pillow.

This one here?

That's the one.

This is my sister's severed head.

Oops.  Wrong severed head.  I use that one for aromatherapy.

Omigod!!!  What the fucking hell is making THAT insane noise!?!  The bed is fucking shaking!!!  IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!!!  SORRY FOR YELLING BUT IT"S THE ONLY WAY TO BE HEARD OVER WHAT IS OBVIOUSLY A DINOSAUR ASTEROID HITLER ASSFUCKING MURDER HAPPENING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR!!!

Careful with that head.  The skin comes off really easily in your hands if you aren't gentle.

Oh.  Sorry.

Here.  Pull my cellphone out of the bloody eye socket and I'll call someone to come over and check out what's going on out there.  [beep boop beep beep ring ring ring ring]  Hey.  What's going' on?  Really?  That's cool.  Wear a condom with that one.  Hey, when yer done, could you do me a favor and roll by my place for quick peek at...what's that?  Oh you're being killed right now?  Well, then, when yer done with that...hello?  Fucker hung up on me.

Was that Jim?

Yeah.

Can't believe he would do that to you.

Well, to be fair it wasn't him.  It was whatever squishy slithering thing that caused him to die.

Still.  Rude.

Truth.

You oughta delete him on Face...GAAAAAHHHH!!!!!  WHATTHAFUGGINHELL!!!!!  IT'S COMING FROM INSIDE THE ROOM!!!!!

Relax.  That's just my ringtone.  Jim is calling me back.  [beep]  Hello?  Hello?

What's he saying?  Is he coming over to help us, after all?

Nah.  Think his phone dialed on contact with the inside of some creature's throat.  All I hear are bones crunching and terrifying sobs of pain.

Ugh.  Hang up already.

[beep]  Done.

Well, now what?

We could see if there's anything on TV.

Nope.  Cat through it in the pool.

Gawd, that cat sucks.

Right?