6 Awful Things That Are Better When Covered In Owl Shit

1.)  Whales

2.)  Origami of a Kelly-Anne Conway Titfuck

3.)  Books about translating porn to blind people

4.)  Sadie Hawkins dances in an Alabama prison

FIvE.)  Boomerangs at the petting zoo

666.)  Kevin Costner movies about owl shit

The Un-Redacted Dr. Suess Report On Russian Assholery

You're never too old,
too wacky, too wild,
to pick up a book
and read to a child.

Be who you are,
and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.

From there to here,
and here to there.
funny things are everywhere.

If things start happening,
don't worry, don't stew.
just go right along,
and you'll start happening, too.

A person's a person,
no matter how small,
do not give up,
I believe in you all.

Except, to Trump,
his kids and his wife,
fuck you all
in the ass with a knife.*

*a sharp object that hurts the anus

Exact Points In A Sentence When You Should Stop Listening

Like...

Fact of the matter is...

...and, then i was like...

Literally...

...like, then...

Make America...

I know what you're thinking.

...and she was like...

Irregardless...

I'm from Alabama.

...like, realllllllly...

Needless to say...

Wilbur Ross says...

...my grandfather was like...

Military discount.

John Bobbitt fan club.

...like, so mad...

...you'll never believe, like...

OMG

...like a ferret said whaaaaaa...

...then, like, tuberculosis...

...and, Instagram was sooooo like...

...like, vegan bacon soup...

LOL

@realDonaldTrump

Dear Internet...

Massive Sounds Of The Apocalypse

What was that?

What was what?

Sounded like an explosion followed by screaming.

Oh, yeah,  I heard that, too.  It's probably nothing.

Oh, phew.  I was worried.

It's fine.  Go back to sleep.

Sleep?  We were in the middle of making love.

Is that what was happening?  Sorry, the lights are out.  Thought maybe you were massaging me down there with some old French Toast.

Holy fuck!  Did you hear that one?

Yeah.  That had a really damp and painful resonance to it.

Sounds like it was closer than the last one, too.

I'm pretty sure I put the cat outside.  Maybe she's just playing with an old microwave oven in the pool.

Right, she does that sometimes.  Jeez, you really are amazing at keeping an even head in stressful scenarios.  What's your secret?

I keep a stress ball under the pillow.

This one here?

That's the one.

This is my sister's severed head.

Oops.  Wrong severed head.  I use that one for aromatherapy.

Omigod!!!  What the fucking hell is making THAT insane noise!?!  The bed is fucking shaking!!!  IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!!!  SORRY FOR YELLING BUT IT"S THE ONLY WAY TO BE HEARD OVER WHAT IS OBVIOUSLY A DINOSAUR ASTEROID HITLER ASSFUCKING MURDER HAPPENING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR!!!

Careful with that head.  The skin comes off really easily in your hands if you aren't gentle.

Oh.  Sorry.

Here.  Pull my cellphone out of the bloody eye socket and I'll call someone to come over and check out what's going on out there.  [beep boop beep beep ring ring ring ring]  Hey.  What's going' on?  Really?  That's cool.  Wear a condom with that one.  Hey, when yer done, could you do me a favor and roll by my place for quick peek at...what's that?  Oh you're being killed right now?  Well, then, when yer done with that...hello?  Fucker hung up on me.

Was that Jim?

Yeah.

Can't believe he would do that to you.

Well, to be fair it wasn't him.  It was whatever squishy slithering thing that caused him to die.

Still.  Rude.

Truth.

You oughta delete him on Face...GAAAAAHHHH!!!!!  WHATTHAFUGGINHELL!!!!!  IT'S COMING FROM INSIDE THE ROOM!!!!!

Relax.  That's just my ringtone.  Jim is calling me back.  [beep]  Hello?  Hello?

What's he saying?  Is he coming over to help us, after all?

Nah.  Think his phone dialed on contact with the inside of some creature's throat.  All I hear are bones crunching and terrifying sobs of pain.

Ugh.  Hang up already.

[beep]  Done.

Well, now what?

We could see if there's anything on TV.

Nope.  Cat through it in the pool.

Gawd, that cat sucks.

Right?

An Eagle's Performance On Open-Mic Night

Scree!!
Kaw...wwwwwwrrrrrrraaaaaaaeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
tear
tear
swallow GULP

HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
screeches eeeeeerrrrckaa

COCK-CAW

squuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa




hoot hoot hoot

[audience is silent]

Sorry.  Mistook a bottle of Ambien for a trout today. (sigh)  Give it up for our next act, Tom.  He's a squirrel trapped in bear's body who sings protest hymns about leaf-blowers.

Things Never Heard In The White House . Ever.

Excuse me.

Are you done eating?

You really shouldn't say that.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed for watching CNN.

Please.

No, Angel Dust clearly was their best album.

Hold the cheese.

Whatever I do here in this bathroom stays right here because at the end of the day it is no longer any of my own business.

Sorry.

Ten Ways That The President Of The United States And Oatmeal Are Similar

1.)  More satisfying when a Russian prostitute pisses all over the lumpy parts.

2.)  Splatters when hit with a hammer.

3.)  Looks the same before and after being eaten.

4.)  Shares the chemical make-up of a tampon hurtling through space on the coat-tails of a comet made of vomit.

5.)  Masturbation fodder for Kevin Costner.

6.)  Jesus can not hold on to either because he has holes in his hands.

7.)  Kanye West

8.)  Adequate stunt-doubles for whale turds in nature documentaries.

9.)  Always limp at breakfast.

10.)  More fun than snails, sorta.