What Do You Get For The Fetal Tissue That Already Has Everything?

Fuck.

What's wrong?

I think I left the tiny headstone on the kitchen counter.

Oh, goddammit.

Should I turn the car around?  We might still be able to make it to the appointment on time if drive really really really really really fast.

No.  With our luck, we'll get a reckless driving charge to pile on top of all this bullshit.  Just keep doing what you're doing.  We should be able to figure out a back-up plan along the way.

I just saw a broken brick on the side of the road.

I have a cassette tape of Mariah Carey Christmas songs.

We could both cut off our pinkies and tie them together.

Maybe we'll run over a small turtle.

Does Texas even have turtles?

Probably not.  Turtles are too smart to hang out in this retarded state.

There might be an old cell phone in my glove compartment.

I'm over it.  Let's just pay the fine.

There's a fine?

[pause]  I don't know.  I just sort assumed that this sham law had to have fines if it isn't obeyed like all other laws.

Oh wow, does that mean there's a Fetus Court somewhere?

Jesus, right!?!  There has to be!  It has a conveyor belt that clunks the tiny coffins slowly around the room like a shitty sushi joint.

With color coded stickers to tell you the race of the blobs inside.

No doubt that some fuckers would have an open casket to get one last kiss in before they bury it.

Gotta be special cemeteries for this sordid lot, right?

Nah.  Probably just toss 'em in the Pet Semetary.

Oof.  Gross.  I hope not.  They'll just come back to life more Republican.

Ten Ways To Tell If Someone Plays Fantasy Football

They're single.

They're divorced.

They're married.

They're watching the Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars play the super early game in London.

They have a laptop out and their pants are still on.

They only eat chicken wings for 4 months.

They sit for the national anthem because they're too fat to stand up.

They have an orange dick from jerking off with their Cheetos-eating hand.

They can't count to ten.

Donald Trump's Day Planner For Wednesday, November 9, 2016

3:00 A.M.  Tweet 160 characters of solace to Women For Trump.  Attach dick pic.

4:00 A.M.  Eat a breakfast burrito.

5:00 A.M.  Cancel Prussian Blue victory concert.

6:00--9:00 A.M.  Get hair trimmed by Ivanka.

9:01 A.M.  Press Conference to announce fresh slander lawsuits against New York Times, CNN, Saturday Night Live, Wall Street Journal, ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, Anderson Cooper, PETA, MADD, Mad Magazine, Taco Bell, Maya Angelou, Homer Simpson, Micheal Moore and a stray dog that pissed in the front yard of a property owned in Syria.

9:02  A.M.  Cocaine.

10:30 A.M.  Call in bomb threat to the White House from a pay phone.

11:45 A.M.  Google image search "China".

12:01 P.M.  Offer to fund the creation of a non-biased committee that will hand-count every single vote cast in the 2016 election for the position of president of the United States of America.

12:02 P.M.  Sign Meliana up for an online math class.

1:00 P.M.  Text in a bomb threat to a Mexican embassy from an intern's cell phone.  Attach dick pic.

2:00 P.M.  Fried chicken and Hennessy.

2:45  P.M.  Release tax records to the public of lemonade stands owned in preadolescence.

4:00--6:00 P.M.  Happy Hour at Hooters: all the left-wings you can eat.

7:00--8:30 P.M.  Nationally televised post-election debate with no opponent or moderator.

9:00 P.M.  Read acceptance speech to Billy Bush in high school locker room shower.

10:00--11:00 P.M.  Call 911 to launch full-on sea, air and ground assault against all ISIS strongholds hiding inside of competing businesses.

11:45 P.M.  Send a dick pic to Hillary Clinton's e-mail.

11:55 P.M.  Cocaine.

11:59 P.M.  Chamomile tea.

Vegan Norse Gods Playing Poker With An Asshole From New Jersey

Doest thou meat?

Nay!  Carnivorous cravings shalt never stray into mine kingdom.

A goodly bite of flesh may post dire the ominous chagrin of Tyr.

Aye, an appetite that begets a war with skin, milk and honey is an eternal battle which can never be won within even the life span of an immortal.

Aye.

Aye.

Aye, aye.

Aye, aye, aye...

What the fuck are you two dickheads yapping about now?  Just play the fucking card game already.

Beware, mortal.  Your tongue grieves mine ear with its scabrous tone.

Shut the fuck up.  You ain't scary.  Yer afraid to eat broccoli cuz you don't want to hurt its feelings.

Mind thy words, miscreant!  Or else your chance to parlay with the Gods shalt meet a sudden demise...along with thine life.

OOO!  Why don'tchu go fuck your mother some more, fat boy!  I don't even wanna play this stupid game.  You two are such douchebags...wait!  No!  Not the sword!  AAA!  Don't cut off my head!  I won't be able to call you guys faggots without a head...

[stab]

He was sucheth an athhole.

Yeth.  Yeth, he wath.

World's Shortest Mystery

Who killed this poor Pokemon hooker?

I did.

Oh.  I didn't see you standing over there covered in blood and holding that sledgehammer.

I tried to get away but I'm kind of tired.

More Worthless Than A Lifeguard At The Summer Olympics

I think I just saw a mosquito.

Shh.  I don't want to think about death right now.  I'm trying really hard to focus on not falling asleep while standing up.

There's coffee in the break room.

I'm cool.  The Russian water polo team just hooked me up with a giant bag of Adderall.

It's a really nice day out.  Can't wait to go jump into the water myself.

Sure.  If you want to die from shit water AIDS.

Is that a real thing?

None of this is real.  These are all just over-glorified, bio-engineered F-list celebrities vying for a sneaker contract that will pay them through community college and make their name tags look more recognizable at the monthly job fairs.

You have a lot of anger issues.

Your feet stink.

Yeah,  It's true.  Think it's because of these shoes I got from the Chinese pole-vaulter.

Why did he give you his shoes?

She.

Even more bizarre.  Why did she give you her shoes?

She said she didn't want them anymore because they were making her feet stink.

Does she have another pair?

I don't know.  Why don't you ask her?

Because I don't speak Chinese.

Oh, neither do I.  I just pulled out a gun and pointed it at her head and she figured it out pretty quickly.

Every Asian person on Earth is so smart.

Honest Names For Reality TV Shows

Cops >>> Black Lives Splatter

The Bachelor <<< Date Rape Bingo

Keeping Up With The Kardashians >>> Soft Turd Of A Sick Dog

Jersey Shore <<< 600 Pounds Of Dick Meat

Storage Wars >>> White Trash Wife-Swap And A Lamp

American Idol <<< Micheal J. Fox Handjob After 10 Red Bulls

Real World >>> Fighting Over What To Name A Puppy

Dancing With The Stars <<< Fucking On Top Of Fortune Cookies

America's Next Top Model >>> Duck Face, Duck Fart, Duct Tape

The Amazing Race >>> Taking A Laptop To A Park To Look At Porn.

The Apprentice <<< Incriminating DNA Found On A Clown Suit