5:45 AM Wake up and read Trump's first 50 angry tweets to relieve the stress of being alive on this terrible day.
6:12 AM Drink a Sam Adams.
6:13 AM Vomit Sam Adams.
7:00 AM Smash television.
7:02 AM Call Best Buy to demand a refund on the television. Cuss out the janitor who answers the phone and says that the store doesn't open for another three hours.
7:06 AM Call ICE and report the janitor, assuming he is a rude immigrant that snuck into the country in 2016 to vote illegally in New Hampshire. Cuss out the agent who answers the phone and says the department doesn't accept collect calls.
9:11 AM Smash the stove when "9:11" comes up on the digital clock to show your patriotism.
9:13 AM Call Best Buy and hang up on the rude immigrant.
9:27 AM Take a deep breath, put on a Brady jersey, walk outside and call the first person lacking New England sports gear a faggot.
9:59 AM Go to Dunkin' Donuts. Order coffee with extra sugar and enough cream to make it almost white.
10:01 AM Call in bomb threat to Best Buy from cell phone standing in line for the bathroom.
12:01 PM Pretend that the "12:01" on your alarm clock means that it's already Monday and try to go back to bed.
12:03 PM "Wake up" soaked in warm liquid from the waist down. Subvert instant fear of another night-diarrhea incident with realization that coffee lids are not tight enough to enable snuggling.
12:16 PM In new pants but same soiled Brady jersey, head out the door with offending leaky coffee cup back to Dunkin' Donuts to demand a lifetime of free breakfast sandwiches. Upon arrival, get immediately punched in the face by white trash freedom fighter for daring to wear fouled Patriots clothing in public on this sacred day. Upon recognizing the correctness of these hallowed words, immediately walk home to change shirt.
12:34 PM In autographed 1985 Steve Grogan jersey, gently emerge from house. Wave at a passing-by elderly couple enjoying a walk. Refasten a loose chain on the bicycle of a neighbor's youngest daughter. Find a wallet on the ground and quickly find the owner via FaceBook from the information provided on the driver's license. Refuse attempt of a reward from the stranger for the astonishing safe return of a billfold bursting with over three thousand dollars in cash. Stop traffic so that a family of ducks can cross the road.
2:30 PM While admiring the scripture etched into the beautiful stained glass of the local church, take in the marquee sign that has been graffitied with "JESUS CAN"T PLAY FOOTBALL CUZ THE BALL GOES THRU HIS HANDS"
3:13 PM After buffing off every inch of the offended words with nothing more than saliva and soiled panties found in the nearby bushes, enter the local soup kitchen to assist in dispensing bowls of clam chowder to the needy.
3:30 PM A toothless Vietnam war veteran offers thanks for the extra piece of bread, saying, "Appreciate your hard work, Chief." Smack the food from the old man's hand, break his nose, pull off his pants, gently remove both eyeballs so as to not sever the ocular nerves, lay the dangling orbs upon his upper chest, mutilate his genitals directly in view of the unblinkable eyes, cut out his tongue, jam a funnel into his asshole and dump the the scalding remains of the leftover soup into his rectum. Murder everyone in the room with piano strings ripped from the church organ. Throw all bodies in the basement with starving wolves found in the nearby bushes.
3:45 PM Go to local Indie record store. Peruse the Aerosmith section for any double-live albums. Find a particularly interesting cover that shows Steven Tyler with a mustache and notice that it costs 49 dollars. Storm the clerk at the counter, knock her down, pin arms and legs to the floor and type out a vicious Yelp review using her own phone.
4:20 PM Ride a raft of slaughtered monkeys to the center of the Earth.
11:58 PM Die, on fire.
