First World Problems

I'm hungry.

Me, too.  Let's eat.  What're you in the mood for?

Not Mexican.  I found a taco inside one of my dirty socks when i was doing laundry this morning.

Wow, that's strange.

Yeah, right?  I usually wear flip-flops.  Why the hell do I own one sock?

It's pretty hot out today.  Maybe something mellow like soup or salad?

All this humidity is brewing a soupy crotch roux between my legs.  My pussy lips feel like two Fruit Roll-Ups being cooked on an engine block.

How about pizza?  Can't go wrong with pizza, unless you're one of those dickheads from Chicago who still pretend that fat crusts and hockey are relevant.

That's too much bread.  I'm on a diet.

What?  Why?  You're 4'11" and probably weigh 80 lbs. soaking wet.  You couldn't be any smaller if you tried.

I just want to look like someone that R. Kelly would find attractive.

The fact that you even know his name means that you are too old for him to want to fuck.

Oh, boo.  Don't say that.  I'll just get depressed and when I get depressed I eat a lot of junk food.

Cool.  Junk food it is.  McDonald's?  Subway?  KFC?

I'm just gonna go see what I can find in that other sock.

I Hate People Who Brag About How Much Water They Drink and How Far They Walk Everyday

The color of your pee doesn't look right.  You should drink more water.

That isn't pee.  I melted a box of Crayons with a blow torch. 

I have an app on my phone that says I've walked to the abortion clinic twice today.

Wow.  Ten steps.  That's a lot for a white person.

I identify as being black.

You need an English speaking app.

The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank Song

When you're sliding into first
and a Nazi boner bursts

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When yer sliding into second
and nothing rhymes with second

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When you're sliding into third
and then Hitler burps a turd

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When you are sliding into home
and it's full of Jewish bones

well, that's just too bad.  diarrhea.

Seattle Mariners Are The Best Baseball Team in Seattle

I like your baseball hat.

I'm wearing a hat?  I'm so drunk.

The Mariners won today.

I don't care.  Baseball is boring as fuck.

Nelson Cruz has 18 homeruns.

You make my pussy dry up when you talk.  I have a pile of dust between my legs right now.

Kyle Seager got robbed of a base hit if you ask me.

God ripped your balls off when you were born if you ask me.

Think we're gonna have a tough go at it this weekend against the Indians.

I hope you are referring to actual Native Americans who are going to run through this dead city and scalp all of you soul-sucking assholes.

I really want to get the next Bobblehead doll.  My son collects them.

Your daughter collects men at bus stops.

Well, yeah, that how she's paying her way through middle school.

I'm very anal about my prostitution.

Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2

I didn't see the first Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger movie.  Am I okay to just walk into any air-conditioned theater this summer to escape the oppressive heat being created by global warming and be able to enjoy the storyline without being left in the lurch?

Here's a helpful clue to gauge the film's level of intellectual culpability: Keanu Reeves is in it.  Next question.

The internet is already buzzing with multiple conspiracy theories which suggest that Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2 is secretly a mission statement concerning Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's next herd of adopted children from Africa.  Can you substantiate any of these rumors, and...for God's sake...would you please put some pants on?

I enjoy the feeling of a cool breeze on my legs.  That should be a sufficient answer to the question about children.  I have no comment about my pants.

A test audience in Ferguson, Missouri responded negatively to the lack of minority representation in Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2, yet, positive to the free HIV testing being offered by the concession stand.  Is this a coincidence or should you have invited more people to the viewing than just Magic Johnson?

Look, this is a new phone and his number is the only one that I had memorized.

Is this paving the way for an endless Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger mega series, or can we expect a bit of closure in this film and all move on with our binge-watching of equally meaningless television series instead?

You're asking the wrong guy.  I plan on going back to school this year so that I can get my degree, plow myself into huge debt and then be able to blame my failed existence on the government.  Please text me if you know anybody who has a bar tending position available soon.

I know somebody.

Shut up, Anderson Cooper.  You know nothing.

Selfies or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Narcissism

This is me and my breakfast in bed this morning.

That's a can of Spaghetti O's with a spoon in it.  Did you even cook it?

I was in a hurry.  Don't judge me.  Anyway, this is me in the elevator.  Doesn't my hair look so cute?

When were you a redhead?  And Asian?

Oh, shit.  That's a picture of somebody else.  Boring.  Let's scroll down a bit.  Here we go...here's me riding the bus to school.

The guy sitting next to you doesn't look too thrilled to be included in the picture.

Yeah, he punched me in the face.  That's why I skipped my early classes today; to go to the dentist.  Here's one of me in the waiting room reading.

How does one read and take a picture at the same time?  And for that matter, it looks like the magazine in your lap is upside down.

Oh, I just browse the words.  It's the pictures that are the most important.   You know, human beings could save themselves a lot of time if they expressed themselves more through photography than by wasting precious air with a bunch a meaningless mumbo jumbo.

Hmmm.  Well, I've heard you say dumber shit, I guess.

Oh look, here's one of me checking my pregnancy test during field hockey practice.  Negative.  Which is good 'cause I was having a really bad streak there.  Glad to have finally broken the vicious cycle.

Your mother and I are very proud.

Small Talk With ANAL CUNT song titles*

Hey!  Good to see you!  What's new?

*I Just Saw The Gayest Guy On Earth

Wow!  That's great!  Sounds like you've been keeping yourself busy.

*Don't Offer Me Weak Drugs Or I'll Kick Your Fucking Ass

I've been really busy lately, too.  Went back to school last year.  So good to be using my brain again, you know what I mean?

*Pottery's Gay

I mean, sure I've been making lot's of money but my work lacks intrinsic value, you know what I mean?

*I Gave NAMBLA Pictures Of Your Kid

I'm ready to start the next phase of my life.  I mean, it's time that my life started meaning something, you know what I mean?

*I Snuck a Retard Into a Sperm Bank

Well, I have to go.  It's been really great reconnecting with you but I have a ten page paper due tomorrow about the effects 9/11 has had on lesbian menopause.  We should have coffee soon.  Text me.

*Limp Bizkit Think They're Black But They're Just Gay

I know exactly what you mean.