The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank Song

When you're sliding into first
and a Nazi boner bursts

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When yer sliding into second
and nothing rhymes with second

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When you're sliding into third
and then Hitler burps a turd

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When you are sliding into home
and it's full of Jewish bones

well, that's just too bad.  diarrhea.

Seattle Mariners Are The Best Baseball Team in Seattle

I like your baseball hat.

I'm wearing a hat?  I'm so drunk.

The Mariners won today.

I don't care.  Baseball is boring as fuck.

Nelson Cruz has 18 homeruns.

You make my pussy dry up when you talk.  I have a pile of dust between my legs right now.

Kyle Seager got robbed of a base hit if you ask me.

God ripped your balls off when you were born if you ask me.

Think we're gonna have a tough go at it this weekend against the Indians.

I hope you are referring to actual Native Americans who are going to run through this dead city and scalp all of you soul-sucking assholes.

I really want to get the next Bobblehead doll.  My son collects them.

Your daughter collects men at bus stops.

Well, yeah, that how she's paying her way through middle school.

I'm very anal about my prostitution.

Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2

I didn't see the first Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger movie.  Am I okay to just walk into any air-conditioned theater this summer to escape the oppressive heat being created by global warming and be able to enjoy the storyline without being left in the lurch?

Here's a helpful clue to gauge the film's level of intellectual culpability: Keanu Reeves is in it.  Next question.

The internet is already buzzing with multiple conspiracy theories which suggest that Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2 is secretly a mission statement concerning Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's next herd of adopted children from Africa.  Can you substantiate any of these rumors, and...for God's sake...would you please put some pants on?

I enjoy the feeling of a cool breeze on my legs.  That should be a sufficient answer to the question about children.  I have no comment about my pants.

A test audience in Ferguson, Missouri responded negatively to the lack of minority representation in Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2, yet, positive to the free HIV testing being offered by the concession stand.  Is this a coincidence or should you have invited more people to the viewing than just Magic Johnson?

Look, this is a new phone and his number is the only one that I had memorized.

Is this paving the way for an endless Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger mega series, or can we expect a bit of closure in this film and all move on with our binge-watching of equally meaningless television series instead?

You're asking the wrong guy.  I plan on going back to school this year so that I can get my degree, plow myself into huge debt and then be able to blame my failed existence on the government.  Please text me if you know anybody who has a bar tending position available soon.

I know somebody.

Shut up, Anderson Cooper.  You know nothing.

Selfies or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Narcissism

This is me and my breakfast in bed this morning.

That's a can of Spaghetti O's with a spoon in it.  Did you even cook it?

I was in a hurry.  Don't judge me.  Anyway, this is me in the elevator.  Doesn't my hair look so cute?

When were you a redhead?  And Asian?

Oh, shit.  That's a picture of somebody else.  Boring.  Let's scroll down a bit.  Here we go...here's me riding the bus to school.

The guy sitting next to you doesn't look too thrilled to be included in the picture.

Yeah, he punched me in the face.  That's why I skipped my early classes today; to go to the dentist.  Here's one of me in the waiting room reading.

How does one read and take a picture at the same time?  And for that matter, it looks like the magazine in your lap is upside down.

Oh, I just browse the words.  It's the pictures that are the most important.   You know, human beings could save themselves a lot of time if they expressed themselves more through photography than by wasting precious air with a bunch a meaningless mumbo jumbo.

Hmmm.  Well, I've heard you say dumber shit, I guess.

Oh look, here's one of me checking my pregnancy test during field hockey practice.  Negative.  Which is good 'cause I was having a really bad streak there.  Glad to have finally broken the vicious cycle.

Your mother and I are very proud.

Small Talk With ANAL CUNT song titles*

Hey!  Good to see you!  What's new?

*I Just Saw The Gayest Guy On Earth

Wow!  That's great!  Sounds like you've been keeping yourself busy.

*Don't Offer Me Weak Drugs Or I'll Kick Your Fucking Ass

I've been really busy lately, too.  Went back to school last year.  So good to be using my brain again, you know what I mean?

*Pottery's Gay

I mean, sure I've been making lot's of money but my work lacks intrinsic value, you know what I mean?

*I Gave NAMBLA Pictures Of Your Kid

I'm ready to start the next phase of my life.  I mean, it's time that my life started meaning something, you know what I mean?

*I Snuck a Retard Into a Sperm Bank

Well, I have to go.  It's been really great reconnecting with you but I have a ten page paper due tomorrow about the effects 9/11 has had on lesbian menopause.  We should have coffee soon.  Text me.

*Limp Bizkit Think They're Black But They're Just Gay

I know exactly what you mean.

Walking Dead Season 5 Episode 7 Spoiler

Soooo, about this party tonight.

Yeah, I don't really wanna go.  Let's just stay home and watch Walking Dead.

DVR that shit.  Anyway, the party...Marcia's going to be there.  Do you remember Marcia?

We can't DVR anything anymore.  You threw wine all over it when you disagreed with the judges on the season finale of America's Top Gynecologist.

Oh, I thought that was blood.  Well that's a relief.  Anyway, the party...Marcia's going to be there.  She's going through a hard time right now.  I'm going to need you to be on your best behavior tonight.

I always behave when I'm watching television.

That show is retarded.  It should be called the Walking Retarded.  Get over it.  Anyway, back to the party...Marcia just got dumped and she's really sad about it so I'm expecting a lot of broken glass, black eyes and cocaine vomit.  Should be a good time.  C'mon.  It'll give you something better to talk about with your work buddies than the conspiracy theories surrounding Carl's sweaty hat.

There's something going on underneath that hat.

The High School Ass Team

So what exactly does the water boy do in your...sport?

Oh, well you know, we get thirsty so you would be in charge of keeping us hydrated.

Well, I guess that should have been obvious.  Let me try a different question.  What sort of action are you all participating in to make this activity be considered a sport?

It's teams of four trying to score the most points.  The team with the most points wins.

How do you score points?

With our asses, silly.  Are you feeling, ok?  I'm not used to being the one answering all the questions from an applicant at a job interview.

Sorry.  My bad.  I was just trying to gain some clarity on the responsibilities of the position, that's all.

Well, you'll need to have good organizational skills, of course.  Multi-tasking is essential because there's a lot going on around you so you'll need to keep those hands moving while the game
is happening.  It gets really intense.  Especially during the playoffs.

And when does that...?  Scratch that.  Almost asked you another question.

See?  You're a quick learner!  OMG!  I like that!  You'll be perfect for the job!  Can you start tomorrow?

Uh, sure.

Yay!!!  [shakes hands]   It's official!

Awesome.  What time do I start?  [thirty second awkward silence]  Uh-oh.  What's happening right now?

You just got fired, that's what's happening right now.  Christ, you lasted one sentence.  What the fuck did I tell you about asking questions?  They are for the person doing the interview not the other way around!

But the interview was over!  I thought I had the job!

Your mother had a job, asshole.