14 New Excuses To Not Go To Work in 2022

 

1.  I'm taking a mental health day to ambush a police station.

2.  Canadian truckers are really shitty Uber drivers.

3.  Everyone around the water cooler is suddenly speaking Russian.

4.  Woke HR department canceled me for my views on midget pornography.  At work.

5.  I'm in the ER after getting an injection of gazpacho to cure me of having a small dick.

6.  My Critical Race Theory class ran late 'cause the professor surprised us with marshmallows for the book burning fire. 

7.  Got into a fight with a woke midget on an airplane after I told her she looked familiar.  Flight had to make an emergency landing inside of the World Trade Center Memorial to maintain order.

8.  Had to drive 14 hours out of state to get a legal abortion gazpacho.

9.  The January 6 Commission subpoenaed me after pictures of a small dick surfaced on multiple social media sites from the day of the Capitol Hill riot.  

10.  Spent 14 hours on the Senate floor filibustering to change the word "fart" into "gushy-poof".

11.  Participating in a national day of mourning after the Red Hot Chili Peppers announced their world tour.

12.  Got a boot-leg copy of "Rust" with behind the scenes blooper outtakes.

13.  Still awaiting my presidential pardon from Trump over my protest with Kyle Rittenhouse of the woke Super Bowl halftime show.

14.  Self-immolation stunt on top of a polar ice cap to prove that the Earth is flat didn't get enough likes on Facebook to face the world.

So You Finally Caved And Got That Megadeth Tattoo

Did it hurt?

Naw.  The artist spit on me first to kill the germs.

Ooh, that's so sweet!  You must have done quite a bit of research on finding the exact right person for such a delicate job.

We met the day before in an alleyway.  I was pissing by a dumpster that he was squatting in.  Traded him a cigarette for the tinfoil hat he was wearing and we've been inseparable ever since.  

How much did it cost?

Oh, I stole the cigarette.

No, the tattoo, silly.

You can't put a price on love.  

Wow.  

Yeah, my parents hate me.  

Uh.  That's too bad.

They move every year and don't give me the address just so I don't show up for Thanksgiving.

Yikes.

My twin brother stuck his head in an oven to destroy all of our similar traits.

That's a bit much.

My boss's wife thinks we're fucking because i'm terrible at my job.

What is your job, by the way?

I answer the phones at a tattoo parlor in the alleyway across the street.

You really ought to take off that tinfoil hat.