It has recently come to my attention that all people die. Gotta be honest, had always hoped that that was just a rumor, buuuuut, apparently I was about as correct on that as a Donald Trump speech about...well, anything. LOL!!!! But, seriously, thanks to this death thing, I've got an open position available in the #1 friend department and I really need to get that vacancy filled ASAP. Sooooo, here are some of my simple requirements:
1.) No cancer. Yeah, I need you to stick around for a while and hospitals don't have pinball machines so all you diseased motherfuckers better just stop reading right now. Or just die already 'cause you're really bringing us healthy people down.
2.) No Suicidal Tendencies. I'm talking about the band. They suck. Stop boring me with that sad Pepsi rant. Besides, I don't even like soda.
3.) As a supplement to Rule #2, I will be randomly checking your living quarters for guns, bombs, sharp objects, poisons and badly written poetry. All are to be considered contraband and, if found, will automatically dismiss you from the benefits of my friendship...which are as listed, following this next colon:
a.) Along with my flesh and blood you will receive connections to my FaceBook, Twitter, Tinder, SnapChat, Instagram, MySpace (re: yeah, I still rock that shit), Tumblr, KiK, Spotify playlists, HBO Now and weekly blog about Korean Halloween decorations.
b.) If she doesn't bite you the first time that you meet her without a muzzle, then you will have proven to me that you are a good person based on the judgement of my 15 year-old pitbull, Muffy, that I rescued from a prison riot last week. This comes with the privilege of babysitting her whenever I go away to that nice spa with the padded walls.
c.) Even though I'm lactose intolerant, I always have a lot of cheese around because I really like the way it looks in other peoples' mouths.
***I mean, the title of this ad says it all really. Looking for a person to have good times with and basically become friends. I am 6'2", 185lbs, athletic, funny, kind and love being humorous in weird ways. I work hard, have a job and a car plus my own place. If you're in for the same thing let me know. Oh btw lots of peeps right off the bat think I just want sex. Well, if it happens it happens but don't tell me that you don't masturbate every morning before or while you're headed to work. Don't tell me you don't get horny :)***
*do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
**LOOK at these two dots
***paragraph from actual CL post too good to not to STEAL
post ID: 4206666969 posted: 2 minutes ago updated: 1 and a half minutes ago email to a friend
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