Ten Ways To Tell If Someone Plays Fantasy Football

They're single.

They're divorced.

They're married.

They're watching the Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars play the super early game in London.

They have a laptop out and their pants are still on.

They only eat chicken wings for 4 months.

They sit for the national anthem because they're too fat to stand up.

They have an orange dick from jerking off with their Cheetos-eating hand.

They can't count to ten.

Donald Trump's Day Planner For Wednesday, November 9, 2016

3:00 A.M.  Tweet 160 characters of solace to Women For Trump.  Attach dick pic.

4:00 A.M.  Eat a breakfast burrito.

5:00 A.M.  Cancel Prussian Blue victory concert.

6:00--9:00 A.M.  Get hair trimmed by Ivanka.

9:01 A.M.  Press Conference to announce fresh slander lawsuits against New York Times, CNN, Saturday Night Live, Wall Street Journal, ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, Anderson Cooper, PETA, MADD, Mad Magazine, Taco Bell, Maya Angelou, Homer Simpson, Micheal Moore and a stray dog that pissed in the front yard of a property owned in Syria.

9:02  A.M.  Cocaine.

10:30 A.M.  Call in bomb threat to the White House from a pay phone.

11:45 A.M.  Google image search "China".

12:01 P.M.  Offer to fund the creation of a non-biased committee that will hand-count every single vote cast in the 2016 election for the position of president of the United States of America.

12:02 P.M.  Sign Meliana up for an online math class.

1:00 P.M.  Text in a bomb threat to a Mexican embassy from an intern's cell phone.  Attach dick pic.

2:00 P.M.  Fried chicken and Hennessy.

2:45  P.M.  Release tax records to the public of lemonade stands owned in preadolescence.

4:00--6:00 P.M.  Happy Hour at Hooters: all the left-wings you can eat.

7:00--8:30 P.M.  Nationally televised post-election debate with no opponent or moderator.

9:00 P.M.  Read acceptance speech to Billy Bush in high school locker room shower.

10:00--11:00 P.M.  Call 911 to launch full-on sea, air and ground assault against all ISIS strongholds hiding inside of competing businesses.

11:45 P.M.  Send a dick pic to Hillary Clinton's e-mail.

11:55 P.M.  Cocaine.

11:59 P.M.  Chamomile tea.

Vegan Norse Gods Playing Poker With An Asshole From New Jersey

Doest thou meat?

Nay!  Carnivorous cravings shalt never stray into mine kingdom.

A goodly bite of flesh may post dire the ominous chagrin of Tyr.

Aye, an appetite that begets a war with skin, milk and honey is an eternal battle which can never be won within even the life span of an immortal.

Aye.

Aye.

Aye, aye.

Aye, aye, aye...

What the fuck are you two dickheads yapping about now?  Just play the fucking card game already.

Beware, mortal.  Your tongue grieves mine ear with its scabrous tone.

Shut the fuck up.  You ain't scary.  Yer afraid to eat broccoli cuz you don't want to hurt its feelings.

Mind thy words, miscreant!  Or else your chance to parlay with the Gods shalt meet a sudden demise...along with thine life.

OOO!  Why don'tchu go fuck your mother some more, fat boy!  I don't even wanna play this stupid game.  You two are such douchebags...wait!  No!  Not the sword!  AAA!  Don't cut off my head!  I won't be able to call you guys faggots without a head...

[stab]

He was sucheth an athhole.

Yeth.  Yeth, he wath.

World's Shortest Mystery

Who killed this poor Pokemon hooker?

I did.

Oh.  I didn't see you standing over there covered in blood and holding that sledgehammer.

I tried to get away but I'm kind of tired.