Unacceptable Words To Play When Playing Words With Friends With Your Girlfriend After She Fails A Pregnancy Test

oops

latex

allergy

just

put

tip

in

bye (triple word score)

Fashion! Turn To The Left. Fashion! Turn To The Right.

It's official.

Yeah?

I.  Now.  Own.  Zero.  Cargo.  Shorts.

Wow.  Big day.

That's right.  And I don't have any cargo pants, either.

Slow down.  Breathe.  Enjoy the moment.

And!  AND!  AAAANNNDD!!!!  We are living in a kangaroo-free zone.  Matter of fact, there are no marsupials anywhere near this house.

Well, yeah.  You're not allowed within 500 feet of any zoo for a reason.

That's not the point!

I've made a terrible mistake...

No, you're fine.  Just listen.

...no, really, I broke an egg making this omelet.  Dammit, I really thought I was better than that.

SILENCE!  Now hear this!  From this day forth I will no longer be in the direct presence of any clothing or animal that has a gigantic pouch attached to it.  That means if my back pocket has my wallet and my two front pockets are stashing my keys and cellular phone device and my two hands are occupied by a glass of milk and a flamboyant butterfly then take a moment and THINK before you hand me anything because i will have no place on my body that will fit your object.

Not true.  You still have one back pocket.  If I hand you something small, like money or a wet pack of matches, you should be able to fit them with ease.

Motherfucker.  Why didn't I think of that?

You know you're not allowed to be anywhere near a butterfly, right?

Foodborne Illness

You ever embarrass yourself when there's nobody else around?

Oh, hell yeah.  I once dropped a hot cup of broccoli and cheddar soup onto my dick because I was too horny and too hungry to not jerk off while eating.

Yikes.

Yep.  Pretty embarrassing.

Fuck embarrassing.  That sounds painful.  I hope you didn't get any molten chunks stuck in your dickhole.

I did, as a matter a fact.  Worse even, the doctor didn't believe my story.

You should have punched him.

I did.  He blocked it and kicked me in the balls.  Ruptured a couple of the blisters on my nut sack.

Oof.  Did he at least fix the damage to your testicles?

Kind of.  He apologized and gave me a lollipop.

How old were your when this happened?

43.  It was during the surprise birthday party I threw for myself at the local soup kitchen.

And there were no people there?

Well, it was on fire so the people who were in there were all dead.

Probably explains why the soup was so hot.