Dry January

I'm not going to drink for a month.

Oh, cool.  Gonna give the old liver a break?

No, I'm still going to eat old liver.  Just not going to drink.

Gotcha. Okay, no booze for a month.

No, I'm still going to drink booze.  Just going to do it all in Jello shots.  Cuz that's a solid form of a liquid.

Heard.  

2022 was a bit rough for me.

Yeah?  Sorry to hear that.

Apology accepted. 

About how long do youse figure this hiatus is going to last?

No idea.  I have a strange relationship with time.  

So maybe just January?

Ugh, January babies are the worst.

It isn't their choice when to be born.

Mine either, bitch.

Who's Your Favorite U.S. President?

 

Matt Gaetz:  They're all too old.

Clarence Thomas:  Lincoln freed me, motherfucker.

Jared From Subway:  A pardon for my hard-on and I'll be anybody's bitch.

Wilbur Ross:  Can't...talk.  Neck skin...weighing down...jaw.

Mitch McConnell:  Get it together, Wilbur.  You really look like shit.

Conan The Barbarian:  Smite all the cowardly "rulers" who have not drunken the blood of the fallen Serpent God.  #bitchkings

Chris Rock:  Trump.  [punch]  OW!  What the fuck!?!

Putin:  Keep my wife's name out yo fuckin mouth!

Lee Harvey Oswald:  JFK.  Naw, for real.  I was aiming at Ted Cruz's dad. 

Statler and Waldorf:  Biden.  He's really restored our faith in young people.

14 Things To Do While The Nuclear Missiles Are In The Air

 

1.  Take out the recycling.  With an AR-15.

2.  NetFlix n' kill.

3.  Let the air out of the tires on Madison Cawthorn's wheelchair and then give him a Fleshlight filled with cocaine.

4.  Fly out into the middle of a desert with just one bottle of water and see how long it takes to die.  Oh, wait.  That's already been done.  It's called Las Vegas.  My bad.

5.  Let the air out of the tires on Greg Abbott's wheelchair and then give him some avocado pits on top of burnt toast.

6.  Mercury retrograde like a motherfucker.

7.  Go to Florida and draw dicks on all the Bibles.

8.  Learn how to play every popular 80's saxophone solo on the keytar and see how long it takes to die.  Oh, shit.  That's already been done.  It's called the Academy Awards.

9.  Read a book.  Which, in Florida, means light it on fire and get high offa da smoke.

10.  Leave an uncooked green bean bake casserole on your porch so that the people looting your dead body will have a warm final meal.

11.  Check the oil level in your car's engine to see if you have enough to siphon off and properly grease Matt Gaetz's asshole before he goes to jail.

12.  Hack into Trump's Truth Social account and send a friend request to Jada Pinkett Smith.

13.  Go to Florida and become an elementary teacher who only speaks ebonics with a lisp.

14.  Ask Jesus why the fuck he bothered coming back to life.

14 New Excuses To Not Go To Work in 2022

 

1.  I'm taking a mental health day to ambush a police station.

2.  Canadian truckers are really shitty Uber drivers.

3.  Everyone around the water cooler is suddenly speaking Russian.

4.  Woke HR department canceled me for my views on midget pornography.  At work.

5.  I'm in the ER after getting an injection of gazpacho to cure me of having a small dick.

6.  My Critical Race Theory class ran late 'cause the professor surprised us with marshmallows for the book burning fire. 

7.  Got into a fight with a woke midget on an airplane after I told her she looked familiar.  Flight had to make an emergency landing inside of the World Trade Center Memorial to maintain order.

8.  Had to drive 14 hours out of state to get a legal abortion gazpacho.

9.  The January 6 Commission subpoenaed me after pictures of a small dick surfaced on multiple social media sites from the day of the Capitol Hill riot.  

10.  Spent 14 hours on the Senate floor filibustering to change the word "fart" into "gushy-poof".

11.  Participating in a national day of mourning after the Red Hot Chili Peppers announced their world tour.

12.  Got a boot-leg copy of "Rust" with behind the scenes blooper outtakes.

13.  Still awaiting my presidential pardon from Trump over my protest with Kyle Rittenhouse of the woke Super Bowl halftime show.

14.  Self-immolation stunt on top of a polar ice cap to prove that the Earth is flat didn't get enough likes on Facebook to face the world.

So You Finally Caved And Got That Megadeth Tattoo

Did it hurt?

Naw.  The artist spit on me first to kill the germs.

Ooh, that's so sweet!  You must have done quite a bit of research on finding the exact right person for such a delicate job.

We met the day before in an alleyway.  I was pissing by a dumpster that he was squatting in.  Traded him a cigarette for the tinfoil hat he was wearing and we've been inseparable ever since.  

How much did it cost?

Oh, I stole the cigarette.

No, the tattoo, silly.

You can't put a price on love.  

Wow.  

Yeah, my parents hate me.  

Uh.  That's too bad.

They move every year and don't give me the address just so I don't show up for Thanksgiving.

Yikes.

My twin brother stuck his head in an oven to destroy all of our similar traits.

That's a bit much.

My boss's wife thinks we're fucking because i'm terrible at my job.

What is your job, by the way?

I answer the phones at a tattoo parlor in the alleyway across the street.

You really ought to take off that tinfoil hat.

Covid-19: The Unbearable Lightness Of Peeing

Hey.

S'Up?

Heard you were sick.

Yeah?  Who told you that?

You did.  About five seconds ago.

Oh, yeah.  I probably still have it.

Do you have any symptoms? 

I feel kinda drunk.

That's a sign.

Yeah, I should probably quarantine.  Think that means drinking lime gatorade with gin.

See?  If more people took this pandemic as seriously as you did then we would probably be done with all of this bullshit by now.

What the hell is a pandemic?

You said that about 30 seconds ago.

Dear Internet Porn Has Always Known That Black Lives Matter