An Eagle's Performance On Open-Mic Night

Scree!!
Kaw...wwwwwwrrrrrrraaaaaaaeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
tear
tear
swallow GULP

HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
screeches eeeeeerrrrckaa

COCK-CAW

squuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa




hoot hoot hoot

[audience is silent]

Sorry.  Mistook a bottle of Ambien for a trout today. (sigh)  Give it up for our next act, Tom.  He's a squirrel trapped in bear's body who sings protest hymns about leaf-blowers.

Things Never Heard In The White House . Ever.

Excuse me.

Are you done eating?

You really shouldn't say that.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed for watching CNN.

Please.

No, Angel Dust clearly was their best album.

Hold the cheese.

Whatever I do here in this bathroom stays right here because at the end of the day it is no longer any of my own business.

Sorry.

Ten Ways That The President Of The United States And Oatmeal Are Similar

1.)  More satisfying when a Russian prostitute pisses all over the lumpy parts.

2.)  Splatters when hit with a hammer.

3.)  Looks the same before and after being eaten.

4.)  Shares the chemical make-up of a tampon hurtling through space on the coat-tails of a comet made of vomit.

5.)  Masturbation fodder for Kevin Costner.

6.)  Jesus can not hold on to either because he has holes in his hands.

7.)  Kanye West

8.)  Adequate stunt-doubles for whale turds in nature documentaries.

9.)  Always limp at breakfast.

10.)  More fun than snails, sorta.

Never Bring A Knife To A Gun Fight

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