Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2

I didn't see the first Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger movie.  Am I okay to just walk into any air-conditioned theater this summer to escape the oppressive heat being created by global warming and be able to enjoy the storyline without being left in the lurch?

Here's a helpful clue to gauge the film's level of intellectual culpability: Keanu Reeves is in it.  Next question.

The internet is already buzzing with multiple conspiracy theories which suggest that Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2 is secretly a mission statement concerning Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's next herd of adopted children from Africa.  Can you substantiate any of these rumors, and...for God's sake...would you please put some pants on?

I enjoy the feeling of a cool breeze on my legs.  That should be a sufficient answer to the question about children.  I have no comment about my pants.

A test audience in Ferguson, Missouri responded negatively to the lack of minority representation in Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger 2, yet, positive to the free HIV testing being offered by the concession stand.  Is this a coincidence or should you have invited more people to the viewing than just Magic Johnson?

Look, this is a new phone and his number is the only one that I had memorized.

Is this paving the way for an endless Captain Super Green Spider X-Faggot Bat Avenger mega series, or can we expect a bit of closure in this film and all move on with our binge-watching of equally meaningless television series instead?

You're asking the wrong guy.  I plan on going back to school this year so that I can get my degree, plow myself into huge debt and then be able to blame my failed existence on the government.  Please text me if you know anybody who has a bar tending position available soon.

I know somebody.

Shut up, Anderson Cooper.  You know nothing.

Selfies or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Narcissism

This is me and my breakfast in bed this morning.

That's a can of Spaghetti O's with a spoon in it.  Did you even cook it?

I was in a hurry.  Don't judge me.  Anyway, this is me in the elevator.  Doesn't my hair look so cute?

When were you a redhead?  And Asian?

Oh, shit.  That's a picture of somebody else.  Boring.  Let's scroll down a bit.  Here we go...here's me riding the bus to school.

The guy sitting next to you doesn't look too thrilled to be included in the picture.

Yeah, he punched me in the face.  That's why I skipped my early classes today; to go to the dentist.  Here's one of me in the waiting room reading.

How does one read and take a picture at the same time?  And for that matter, it looks like the magazine in your lap is upside down.

Oh, I just browse the words.  It's the pictures that are the most important.   You know, human beings could save themselves a lot of time if they expressed themselves more through photography than by wasting precious air with a bunch a meaningless mumbo jumbo.

Hmmm.  Well, I've heard you say dumber shit, I guess.

Oh look, here's one of me checking my pregnancy test during field hockey practice.  Negative.  Which is good 'cause I was having a really bad streak there.  Glad to have finally broken the vicious cycle.

Your mother and I are very proud.

Small Talk With ANAL CUNT song titles*

Hey!  Good to see you!  What's new?

*I Just Saw The Gayest Guy On Earth

Wow!  That's great!  Sounds like you've been keeping yourself busy.

*Don't Offer Me Weak Drugs Or I'll Kick Your Fucking Ass

I've been really busy lately, too.  Went back to school last year.  So good to be using my brain again, you know what I mean?

*Pottery's Gay

I mean, sure I've been making lot's of money but my work lacks intrinsic value, you know what I mean?

*I Gave NAMBLA Pictures Of Your Kid

I'm ready to start the next phase of my life.  I mean, it's time that my life started meaning something, you know what I mean?

*I Snuck a Retard Into a Sperm Bank

Well, I have to go.  It's been really great reconnecting with you but I have a ten page paper due tomorrow about the effects 9/11 has had on lesbian menopause.  We should have coffee soon.  Text me.

*Limp Bizkit Think They're Black But They're Just Gay

I know exactly what you mean.