Dear Internet Porn Has Always Known That Black Lives Matter

Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs

Greatest Hits: Having The Memory Of An Elephant

Donald Trump barges into his physician's office and bellows, "Help!  My asshole is fucking yuge!"

The doctor, removing himself from tending to the needs of another patient, turns around and says, "Okay.  Drops your pants, bend over and let's address the situation."

The president does as he's instructed.

The man screams, "Whoa!  What on Earth could have possibly happened to make your butthole such a gaping mess!?"

Trump answers, "I got fucked up the ass by an elephant."

Disgusted, the health official suspiciously declares, "An elephant's penis is very long but relatively skinny.  This cavernous maw is as wide as it is deep, not the result of just having anal sex with an alphas maximus!"

With a small tear in one eye, trump whispers, "He fingered me first."

Greatest Hits: I'll Have What Cheese Having

Donald Trump walks into a busy bar during a popular Friday night happy hour rush in New York City and orders a blended raspberry mojito with half a sugared-rim and a garnish of skewered donuts lit on fire.

The bartender, amid shaking two other cocktails at once, says, "Just a heads up, sir...that particular drink order is going to take me at least and hour to complete."

"Why?" Asks the President.

Whilst deftly forging an orange rind into the shape of a mermaid with his knife, the young man answers, "Because I'm lactose-intolerant."

Trump wrinkles his brow in confusion and replies, "So what?"

He hands the libations off to a gracious couple sitting nearby, turns around to face the Commander In Chief and replies, "Well, it's going to take that much time for me to eat a block of cheese, come over there, pull down my pants and take a nasty diarrhea shit inside your mouth."

Greatest Hits: The Truth Hurts

Donald J. Trump buys a lie detector robot that slaps people whenever they utter a falsehood.  He unveils his new toy at the dinner that evening with his family.

"So, Barron." He coos, with a mouthful of french fries. "What did you do with yourself today?"

The young man answers, "I did some math homework, Pop."

The robot quickly reaches out with a clenched fist and smashes him in the face.

Rubbing his sore jaw, he admits, "Okay!  I was at a friend's house watching a movie!  Jeez!"

While swallowing an entire cheeseburger in one bite, the President then asks, "What movie did you watch?"

"Uh, Toy Story 2."

The robot immediately pounds the son upside the head again.

"Okay!  We were watching porn!  Jeez!"

Trump, squeezing a packet of ketchup directly into his mouth, says, "When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot backhands the father.

Melania, giggling with a hand over her mouth, says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot stands up from its chair, rips off its own head and explodes.

Greatest Hits: Death Becums Her

What's the best part of every Trump joke?

The execution.

Greatest Hits: Alzheimer's In The Family

Donald Trump, Mike Pence and William Barr are all standing around a cookie in the White House kitchen, jerking off with thumbs up their asses when the Attorney General says, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful.  This morning I was standing at the top of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down, homey."

The Vice President snickers. "Sheeeiit, playah.  You think that's bad?  The other day I was scratching my nut sack while sitting on the side of my bed and couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up."

The Commander-In-Chief smiles and says, "Well, gangstas, my memory is just as good as it's ever been...knock on wood."

He raps the surface of a nearby table three times.

"Now, you guys relax.  I'll go answer the door."

Greatest Hits: It's Elemental, My Dear Twatson

Donald Trump and a scientist walk into a night club that is renowned for being a pick-up hot spot for sexy singles with PhD's.

Upon reaching the bar, the younger man says, "I'll just have some good old fashioned H2O, please."  The beverage arrives in a tall frosty glass and immediately he is surrounded by a gaggle of beautiful women and whisked away for a night of debauchery.

Impressed, the President leans over to the bartender and says, "I'm also very smart. I'll have some H2O, too."  Upon receiving the glass, he begins to scan the room for potential pussy to grab onto while sipping mightily on the contents through the thick straw.  Then the walls of his throat and stomach explode as he falls to the ground with blood pouring out of his mouth and he dies on the dirty floor like a stray dog.

Greatest Hits: Breakfast, Lunch And Dinner In Bed

Donald and Melania Trump are getting into bed after a busy day of hating minorities when the President leans in and seductively whispers into the First Lady's ear, "I'm wide awake, my love."

She pats his belly and whispers back, "You're wide in your sleep, too."

Greatest Hits: Gentledickheads Prefer Blondes

Why does Trump have blonde hair?

'Cuz his wife bleaches her asshole.

Greatest Hits: It's Too Bright In Here

How many Trump's does it take to change a light bulb?

Zero.  There's no pussy to grab onto.

Healing Island of Losinj

Greatest Hits: Hard Times

After being unanimously voted out of the White House in the presidential election of November, 2020, Donald and Melania Trump find themselves completely broke and newly homeless on the hard streets of Washington D.C.  In an effort to quickly raise money, they come to an agreement that the disgraced President ought to prostitute himself around the seedy underbelly of the city.

His first foray into the market is an all-evening grind, sunset to sunrise, but he makes it home in one piece to share the spoils of his labor.  As he warms his hands by the garbage can fire, the former First Lady asks, "How well did you fare out there, my love?"

"Not bad." He states. "I made 128 dollars and 25 cents."

With her face twisted in disgust, she growls, "What kind of a person would give you a quarter for doing all of those hideous things?"

"All of them."

Greatest Hits: Unchecked Baggage

Donald J. Trump and Mike R. Pence catch a last-minute commercial airline to Alabama for a campaign rally, seated next to each other in the last row of First-Class.  An hour into the flight the President leans over to the Vice President and whispers, "Hey. We should join the Mile High Club together."

"That's crazy talk!" Pence stammers. "Look at all of the people on this plane.  Someone is sure to notice."

"No way." Chirps Trump with a coy wave of his hand. "Nobody pays attention to anything happening around them on planes anymore.  Look, I'll prove it."  And with that, he unbuckles his seatbelt, stands up and yells, "Can anybody please give me a pencil?"

He is met with pure silence.  All of the passengers are engaged in various distractions, ranging from sleep to listening to electronic devices on their headphones.

Amazed and thrilled by this presentation, Pence eagerly pulls down Trump's pants to his ankles, yanks down his own trousers, stands up and starts power-fucking the President's asshole like a champ.

Meanwhile, a stewardess is in the back of the plane tending to her service cart maintenance duties when she notices and old man sitting alone in the back seats with his lap covered in vomit.

"You poor thing!" She cries. "You should have asked me for a motion sickness bag!"

"No fuckin' way!" He gasps. "There's a shit-haired retarded man a few rows up who just asked for a pencil and he got ass-raped by a scary zombie!"

Greatest Hits: Graze Anatomy

Donald J. Trump walks into the family doctor's office with his wife in tow for an annual physical.

After asking a few health-related questions and a quick blood pressure test, the physician says, "Alright, sir.  I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool and a specimen of your sperm."

Trump, tweeting frantically away on his phone, looks up at Melania and asks, "What did he just say, love bug?"

With a gentle pat of her hand on his knee, she says, "He needs you to take off your underwear."

Greatest Hits: Handicapped Porking

The Trump family is on vacation and it's time for them to check into a hotel for the evening.  Donald approaches the front desk clerk, makes the necessary arrangements and then firmly states, "I hope that the porn on all of the televisions is disabled."

The young man behind the counter hits him in the face with a rolled up newspaper and yells, "IT'S JUST REGULAR PORN, YOU SICK FUCK!"

Greatest Hits: Shut The Hole Up

Eric Trump walks into the White House carrying a brown paper bag.  His father sees him and asks, "Whatcha got there, Son?"

"Doughnuts." The lad replies.

The President gets excited and says, "Ooh!  Can I have one if I correctly guess how many are in the bag?"

Smiling, he answers, "Dad, if you can guess the exact number, I will happily give you both of them."

"Are there five!?!"

the end

Epilogue: A meteor hits the planet and everybody dies.

Greatest Hits: Prized Possessions

What beats first place in a Trump-sponsored beauty contest?

Being ugly.

Greatest Hits: The Hole Truth And Nothing Butt The Truth

Barron Trump is outside in the White House backyard, digging a large pit with a shovel when his mother strolls up to him in her high heeled shoes and asks, "Why are you doing that, son?"

He stops for a moment to look at her and answer, "My gerbil died and I need to bury him."

The First Lady doffs her sunglasses and replies, "Well, that's an awfully big hole for such a small animal."

"Yeah." He stumps. "But he's still stuck in Dad's asshole."

Greatest Hits: An E-Mail From The Day That I Quit

(no subject)

it's tough to fight pirates.  punching them in the eye patch is worthless.  breaking their wooden peg-legs might give you splinters.  and challenging them to pie-eating contests just doesn't make any sense.  co-existing with these aquatic terrorists may seem like a daunting idea at first, but there is always a possibility that you may develop a fetish for having the contents of your rectum stirred around with a sharp metal hook.  this is my official notice of termination from employment with uber tavern.

7/11

bryan david o'neill

Harvey Weinstein's Updated Tinder Profile Page

Shakespeare In Courtney Love, 68
*Less than 6 feet away

Hobbies:

--NetFlix n' Rape
--Exotic potted plant breeding
--Solitary confinement Parkour

If I were a sea creature, I'd be...
...devouring your chocolate starfish.

Top 3 donuts:

1.) Cream-filled
2.) Glazed
3.) Dingleberry Jam

Pro:
-Rich. For now.
-Can use handicapped parking spots as long as I'm faking a limp with my walker.
-I put out on the first date.

Con:
-My face.
-My body.
-My personality.
-I'm still alive.

A Patriots Fan Celebrates Sunday, February 2, 2020

5:45 AM  Wake up and read Trump's first 50 angry tweets to relieve the stress of being alive on this terrible day.

6:12 AM Drink a Sam Adams.

6:13 AM Vomit Sam Adams.

7:00 AM Smash television.

7:02 AM Call Best Buy to demand a refund on the television.  Cuss out the janitor who answers the phone and says that the store doesn't open for another three hours.

7:06 AM Call ICE and report the janitor, assuming he is a rude immigrant that snuck into the country in 2016 to vote illegally in New Hampshire.  Cuss out the agent who answers the phone and says the department doesn't accept collect calls.

9:11 AM  Smash the stove when "9:11" comes up on the digital clock to show your patriotism.

9:13 AM Call Best Buy and hang up on the rude immigrant.

9:27 AM Take a deep breath, put on a Brady jersey, walk outside and call the first person lacking New England sports gear a faggot.

9:59 AM Go to Dunkin' Donuts.  Order coffee with extra sugar and enough cream to make it almost white.

10:01 AM Call in bomb threat to Best Buy from cell phone standing in line for the bathroom.

12:01 PM Pretend that the "12:01" on your alarm clock means that it's already Monday and try to go back to bed.

12:03 PM "Wake up" soaked in warm liquid from the waist down.  Subvert instant fear of another night-diarrhea incident with realization that coffee lids are not tight enough to enable snuggling.

12:16 PM In new pants but same soiled Brady jersey, head out the door with offending leaky coffee cup back to Dunkin' Donuts to demand a lifetime of free breakfast sandwiches.  Upon arrival, get immediately punched in the face by white trash freedom fighter for daring to wear fouled Patriots clothing in public on this sacred day.  Upon recognizing the correctness of these hallowed words, immediately walk home to change shirt.

12:34 PM In autographed 1985 Steve Grogan jersey, gently emerge from house.  Wave at a passing-by elderly couple enjoying a walk.  Refasten a loose chain on the bicycle of a neighbor's youngest daughter.  Find a wallet on the ground and quickly find the owner via FaceBook from the information provided on the driver's license.  Refuse attempt of a reward from the stranger for the astonishing safe return of a billfold bursting with over three thousand dollars in cash.  Stop traffic so that a family of ducks can cross the road.

2:30 PM While admiring the scripture etched into the beautiful stained glass of the local church, take in the marquee sign that has been graffitied with "JESUS CAN"T PLAY FOOTBALL CUZ THE BALL GOES THRU HIS HANDS"

3:13 PM After buffing off every inch of the offended words with nothing more than saliva and soiled panties found in the nearby bushes, enter the local soup kitchen to assist in dispensing bowls of clam chowder to the needy.

3:30 PM A toothless Vietnam war veteran offers thanks for the extra piece of bread, saying, "Appreciate your hard work, Chief."  Smack the food from the old man's hand, break his nose, pull off his pants, gently remove both eyeballs so as to not sever the ocular nerves, lay the dangling orbs upon his upper chest, mutilate his genitals directly in view of the unblinkable eyes, cut out his tongue, jam a funnel into his asshole and dump the the scalding remains of the leftover soup into his rectum.  Murder everyone in the room with piano strings ripped from the church organ.  Throw all bodies in the basement with starving wolves found in the nearby bushes.

3:45 PM Go to local Indie record store.  Peruse the Aerosmith section for any double-live albums.  Find a particularly interesting cover that shows Steven Tyler with a mustache and notice that it costs 49 dollars.  Storm the clerk at the counter, knock her down, pin arms and legs to the floor and type out a vicious Yelp review using her own phone.

4:20 PM Ride a raft of slaughtered monkeys to the center of the Earth.

11:58 PM Die, on fire.

My First Rodeo

what the fuck is wrong with all these bulls?

yeah, why're they such assholes?

maybe they're just tired of getting mounted all day long like a Kardashian?

you're racist.

what?  all i'm saying is that the Kardashians are sluts.

yeah, we all know that.  i was just reminding you that you're a racist.

oh yeah, i do forget sometimes.  thanks.

i think you have bigot alzheimer's disease.

god, that's so scary.  one day i'm gonna be walking down the street and not even remember who it is that i'm supposed to hate.

you should download that app, "fuck these people".  it sends out a butterfly fart noise whenever you get within ten feet of your natural enemy to remind you to say something nasty and burn a rubber tire around their neck.

ooh, fun!  does it work on android phones?

ugh.  you have an android phone?

yeah.  what's wrong with that?

must be be a problem with my IPhone 27.  should have heard a butterfly fart when you sat down.