Greatest Hits: Alzheimer's In The Family

Donald Trump, Mike Pence and William Barr are all standing around a cookie in the White House kitchen, jerking off with thumbs up their asses when the Attorney General says, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful.  This morning I was standing at the top of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down, homey."

The Vice President snickers. "Sheeeiit, playah.  You think that's bad?  The other day I was scratching my nut sack while sitting on the side of my bed and couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up."

The Commander-In-Chief smiles and says, "Well, gangstas, my memory is just as good as it's ever been...knock on wood."

He raps the surface of a nearby table three times.

"Now, you guys relax.  I'll go answer the door."

Greatest Hits: It's Elemental, My Dear Twatson

Donald Trump and a scientist walk into a night club that is renowned for being a pick-up hot spot for sexy singles with PhD's.

Upon reaching the bar, the younger man says, "I'll just have some good old fashioned H2O, please."  The beverage arrives in a tall frosty glass and immediately he is surrounded by a gaggle of beautiful women and whisked away for a night of debauchery.

Impressed, the President leans over to the bartender and says, "I'm also very smart. I'll have some H2O, too."  Upon receiving the glass, he begins to scan the room for potential pussy to grab onto while sipping mightily on the contents through the thick straw.  Then the walls of his throat and stomach explode as he falls to the ground with blood pouring out of his mouth and he dies on the dirty floor like a stray dog.

Greatest Hits: Breakfast, Lunch And Dinner In Bed

Donald and Melania Trump are getting into bed after a busy day of hating minorities when the President leans in and seductively whispers into the First Lady's ear, "I'm wide awake, my love."

She pats his belly and whispers back, "You're wide in your sleep, too."

Greatest Hits: Gentledickheads Prefer Blondes

Why does Trump have blonde hair?

'Cuz his wife bleaches her asshole.

Greatest Hits: It's Too Bright In Here

How many Trump's does it take to change a light bulb?

Zero.  There's no pussy to grab onto.

Healing Island of Losinj

Greatest Hits: Hard Times

After being unanimously voted out of the White House in the presidential election of November, 2020, Donald and Melania Trump find themselves completely broke and newly homeless on the hard streets of Washington D.C.  In an effort to quickly raise money, they come to an agreement that the disgraced President ought to prostitute himself around the seedy underbelly of the city.

His first foray into the market is an all-evening grind, sunset to sunrise, but he makes it home in one piece to share the spoils of his labor.  As he warms his hands by the garbage can fire, the former First Lady asks, "How well did you fare out there, my love?"

"Not bad." He states. "I made 128 dollars and 25 cents."

With her face twisted in disgust, she growls, "What kind of a person would give you a quarter for doing all of those hideous things?"

"All of them."

Greatest Hits: Unchecked Baggage

Donald J. Trump and Mike R. Pence catch a last-minute commercial airline to Alabama for a campaign rally, seated next to each other in the last row of First-Class.  An hour into the flight the President leans over to the Vice President and whispers, "Hey. We should join the Mile High Club together."

"That's crazy talk!" Pence stammers. "Look at all of the people on this plane.  Someone is sure to notice."

"No way." Chirps Trump with a coy wave of his hand. "Nobody pays attention to anything happening around them on planes anymore.  Look, I'll prove it."  And with that, he unbuckles his seatbelt, stands up and yells, "Can anybody please give me a pencil?"

He is met with pure silence.  All of the passengers are engaged in various distractions, ranging from sleep to listening to electronic devices on their headphones.

Amazed and thrilled by this presentation, Pence eagerly pulls down Trump's pants to his ankles, yanks down his own trousers, stands up and starts power-fucking the President's asshole like a champ.

Meanwhile, a stewardess is in the back of the plane tending to her service cart maintenance duties when she notices and old man sitting alone in the back seats with his lap covered in vomit.

"You poor thing!" She cries. "You should have asked me for a motion sickness bag!"

"No fuckin' way!" He gasps. "There's a shit-haired retarded man a few rows up who just asked for a pencil and he got ass-raped by a scary zombie!"

Greatest Hits: Graze Anatomy

Donald J. Trump walks into the family doctor's office with his wife in tow for an annual physical.

After asking a few health-related questions and a quick blood pressure test, the physician says, "Alright, sir.  I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool and a specimen of your sperm."

Trump, tweeting frantically away on his phone, looks up at Melania and asks, "What did he just say, love bug?"

With a gentle pat of her hand on his knee, she says, "He needs you to take off your underwear."

Greatest Hits: Handicapped Porking

The Trump family is on vacation and it's time for them to check into a hotel for the evening.  Donald approaches the front desk clerk, makes the necessary arrangements and then firmly states, "I hope that the porn on all of the televisions is disabled."

The young man behind the counter hits him in the face with a rolled up newspaper and yells, "IT'S JUST REGULAR PORN, YOU SICK FUCK!"

Greatest Hits: Shut The Hole Up

Eric Trump walks into the White House carrying a brown paper bag.  His father sees him and asks, "Whatcha got there, Son?"

"Doughnuts." The lad replies.

The President gets excited and says, "Ooh!  Can I have one if I correctly guess how many are in the bag?"

Smiling, he answers, "Dad, if you can guess the exact number, I will happily give you both of them."

"Are there five!?!"

the end

Epilogue: A meteor hits the planet and everybody dies.

Greatest Hits: Prized Possessions

What beats first place in a Trump-sponsored beauty contest?

Being ugly.

Greatest Hits: The Hole Truth And Nothing Butt The Truth

Barron Trump is outside in the White House backyard, digging a large pit with a shovel when his mother strolls up to him in her high heeled shoes and asks, "Why are you doing that, son?"

He stops for a moment to look at her and answer, "My gerbil died and I need to bury him."

The First Lady doffs her sunglasses and replies, "Well, that's an awfully big hole for such a small animal."

"Yeah." He stumps. "But he's still stuck in Dad's asshole."

Greatest Hits: An E-Mail From The Day That I Quit

(no subject)

it's tough to fight pirates.  punching them in the eye patch is worthless.  breaking their wooden peg-legs might give you splinters.  and challenging them to pie-eating contests just doesn't make any sense.  co-existing with these aquatic terrorists may seem like a daunting idea at first, but there is always a possibility that you may develop a fetish for having the contents of your rectum stirred around with a sharp metal hook.  this is my official notice of termination from employment with uber tavern.

7/11

bryan david o'neill