1986 Answering-Machine Greetings

Ronald Reagan:  Is this thing on?  I keep hearing echoes and feedback but that could just be my medication.

Barry Manilow:  Sorry. Can't take your call right now.  Me and Rock Hudson are cruising' for pussy at the new Mapplethorpe exhibit.  Bitches love black n white pictures of flowers.

Kim Jong-il:  One day arl of you rill be mine!!!!!!!!  Reave ten minutes of crying at the breep.

Ivanka Trump:  Daddy and mommy are busy watching "On Golden Pond" behind locked doors with people who talk funny.  Can I have a cookie?

Ronald Reagan:  Nancy, I need help with this talking toaster.  It's not melting the cheese to the Wonder Bread and the damned squawking box keeps doing impressions of my voice whenever I hit the buttons.

Charlie Sheen:  Just so you know...Asian women do NOT have sideways vaginas.  Boooooring.

Bill Buckner:  Hello, neighbor.  What a beautiful day it is to be alive.  I'm going to make love to my wife and go to work.

Magic Johnson:  Ladies.  Ladies.  Ladies.  We can't all have a headache...heh-heh.  But seriously, just put the tip of your message in.

Micheal Hutchinson:  I can't cum on the phone right now.  The cord is really long and it's mounted pretty far from the hallway closet.  Leave your name and number and I'll get back to you after I wash my hands.

Ronald Reagan:  THAT'S Jodie Foster!?  What The Fuck!?!?  And how did she shrink herself to fit inside of our television?

O.J. Simpson:  Sorry, I missed your call.  Leave a message and i'll get back to you when I can.  If you're calling for Nicole please leave a very detailed inventory of your entire weekly schedule and I will come find you right away.

George Micheal:  Look.  I've told you already: I only did USA For Africa because that INXS asshole never answers his fucking phone.  Plus, I owed Bowie a favor...heh-heh.

Ronald Reagan:  Mr. Gorbachev, "Tear down the wall" are my favorite lyrics on that Pink Floyd album cuz I've been trippin on some new shit that really helps me focus on the worthless inanity of the human condition vs. the monolithic political machine that's choking the metaphysical life out of this planet.  Can I have a cookie?

Bill Buckner:  [We're sorry.  The call you've made cannot be completed as dialed.  Please try again or stay on the line for further assistance.]

I'm So Dead Inside Even My Diarrhea Is Cold

Have you seen the news today?

No.  I could probably write the headline without looking, though: "Trump Vetoes Oxygen.  Earthlings Now Breathe Money".  Film at 11.

The top story isn't actually about him.

That just means there was a monumental terrorist attack somewhere on the planet: "Car bomb hits Special Olympics In Antarctica.  700 killed, including one incredibly brave American retard".  Film at 11.

It's a feature article about meth addiction amongst midwestern pre-teens.  Pretty powerful stuff.

That just sort of stands in line with all the other bad news that the universe has to offer right now.   Think I'll skip that heartwarming detail.

Why don't you just be honest and admit that all of this misery around you is actually serving your melancholic sad-sack routine.  You seem to have fallen into that self-pitying rabbit hole where being a misanthrope is your way of being happy.

And your point is?

Get over yourself.

Dude, I get mad pussy when I'm depressed.  Chicks eat this shit up.

They also like to laugh and have fun.

Barf.  Sounds like work.

You oughta take a break from this lame act for a minute.  C'mon, let's go pop some Viagra and walk around a Walmart naked.  We can put party hats on our dicks and joust with security.

Gaaah, that didn't work when my snake died I don't think it's gonna do much better now.

I've lost you.

[Sigh]  True.  Film at eleven.

Craigslist Ad For A New Best Friend

Mar 16  "Looking For Mr. Goodbar. No Homo." --m4m, m4w, m4mw, m4t  44 (Seattle) pic

It has recently come to my attention that all people die.  Gotta be honest, had always hoped that that was just a rumor, buuuuut, apparently I was about as correct on that as a Donald Trump speech about...well, anything.  LOL!!!!  But, seriously, thanks to this death thing, I've got an open position available in the #1 friend department and I really need to get that vacancy filled ASAP.  Sooooo, here are some of my simple requirements:

       1.)  No cancer.  Yeah, I need you to stick around for a while and hospitals don't have pinball machines so all you diseased motherfuckers better just stop reading right now.  Or just die already 'cause you're really bringing us healthy people down.

       2.)  No Suicidal Tendencies.  I'm talking about the band.  They suck.  Stop boring me with that sad Pepsi rant.  Besides, I don't even like soda.

       3.)  As a supplement to Rule #2, I will be randomly checking your living quarters for guns, bombs, sharp objects, poisons and badly written poetry.  All are to be considered contraband and, if found, will automatically dismiss you from the benefits of my friendship...which are as listed, following this next colon:

              a.)  Along with my flesh and blood you will receive connections to my FaceBook, Twitter, Tinder, SnapChat, Instagram, MySpace (re: yeah, I still rock that shit), Tumblr, KiK, Spotify playlists, HBO Now and weekly blog about Korean Halloween decorations.

              b.)  If she doesn't bite you the first time that you meet her without a muzzle, then you will have proven to me that you are a good person based on the judgement of my 15 year-old pitbull, Muffy, that I rescued from a prison riot last week.  This comes with the privilege of babysitting her whenever I go away to that nice spa with the padded walls.

              c.)  Even though I'm lactose intolerant, I always have a lot of cheese around because I really like the way it looks in other peoples' mouths.

***I mean, the title of this ad says it all really.  Looking for a person to have good times with and basically become friends.  I am 6'2", 185lbs, athletic, funny, kind and love being humorous in weird ways.  I work hard, have a job and a car plus my own place.  If you're in for the same thing let me know.  Oh btw lots of peeps right off the bat think I just want sex.  Well, if it happens it happens but don't tell me that you don't masturbate every morning  before or while you're headed to work.  Don't tell me you don't get horny :)***


*do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

**LOOK at these two dots

***paragraph from actual CL post too good to not to STEAL

post ID: 4206666969   posted: 2 minutes ago   updated: 1 and a half minutes ago   email to a friend

Eavesdropping On a Conversation About March Madness Or A St. Patty's Day Gang Bang?

I've got Duke in my Final Four.

My brackets are busted but I could still win if Xavier goes all the way.

I don't know if I'm gonna recover after what happened at Temple.

Everything's riding on Longwood.

William and Mary fucked me right off the bat and now I've nothing left to hope for.

Never thought I'd see the day when a lowly Houston Baptist could beat off a group of dominate Grambling men.

My Asian girlfriend says she has Rice.  Gross.