ISIS reviews on Yelp

Applebee's: **

"We were promptly greeted at the door by a young woman who identified herself as Amy.  Within minutes we were placed into a long plush booth where our party of four sat comfortably while removing her spine with our place settings   The remainder of the visit was spent contemplating how the food and drinks would have tasted had we allowed the staff to live."

Starbucks: ****

"We forced the hostages to sip their drinks as we simultaneously cut their throats.  This created quite a robust elixir of caffeinated gore--of which our newer recruits were quite a bit more fond than the drab daily suckling of sweat from our beards."

Seattle Strip Clubs: *

"Where were the goats?"

Pumpkin Beer: n/a

"We don't drink.  It's wrong."

A Coffee Break At Playboy Magazine

I just wrote seven thousand words on Eddie Vedder's new haircut.

Ooo.  Good for you.  I hear that he's a really nice guy.  Did you meet him for some micro beers during the interview?

Naw, I made the whole story up.  Figured that not even one person on Earth is going to read the article anyway.

Yeah, I pulled that same stunt last month with a story on Africa and the AIDS epidemic.

Is that even a story anymore?

Well, I was actually doing a follow-up on a Lamar Odom cannibal orgy that had reportedly happened in the Ivory Coast region and I sort of stumbled upon a mass grave of dead children and then I just took a few pictures and tweaked a few details and then ten thousand words came out of my lap top and I got paid a lot of money.

That's quite an interesting writing process you have there.

Yeah, I dropped out of a really good school.

Do you always talk in run-on sentences?

Sometimes.  I'm not sure.  I get hit in the head a lot.  Hey, have you seen the cute new intern?

Hell, yeah!  She's hot!

Right!?

Just what we needed to break up the sausage fest around here.  Is she a writer, too?

No, I think she does the layouts for the tampon ads.

Oof, she's gonna have her work cut out for her down there.  Lot of competition for that job.

Could be a short stint for her.  Better get on that one quick.

Absolutely.

But first we gotta figure out which team she plays for, you know what I'm saying?

I'm picking up what yer laying down, my man.

Five bucks says it cocaine.

Ten bucks on vodka and pills.

[fist bump]