First World Problems

I'm hungry.

Me, too.  Let's eat.  What're you in the mood for?

Not Mexican.  I found a taco inside one of my dirty socks when i was doing laundry this morning.

Wow, that's strange.

Yeah, right?  I usually wear flip-flops.  Why the hell do I own one sock?

It's pretty hot out today.  Maybe something mellow like soup or salad?

All this humidity is brewing a soupy crotch roux between my legs.  My pussy lips feel like two Fruit Roll-Ups being cooked on an engine block.

How about pizza?  Can't go wrong with pizza, unless you're one of those dickheads from Chicago who still pretend that fat crusts and hockey are relevant.

That's too much bread.  I'm on a diet.

What?  Why?  You're 4'11" and probably weigh 80 lbs. soaking wet.  You couldn't be any smaller if you tried.

I just want to look like someone that R. Kelly would find attractive.

The fact that you even know his name means that you are too old for him to want to fuck.

Oh, boo.  Don't say that.  I'll just get depressed and when I get depressed I eat a lot of junk food.

Cool.  Junk food it is.  McDonald's?  Subway?  KFC?

I'm just gonna go see what I can find in that other sock.

I Hate People Who Brag About How Much Water They Drink and How Far They Walk Everyday

The color of your pee doesn't look right.  You should drink more water.

That isn't pee.  I melted a box of Crayons with a blow torch. 

I have an app on my phone that says I've walked to the abortion clinic twice today.

Wow.  Ten steps.  That's a lot for a white person.

I identify as being black.

You need an English speaking app.

The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank Song

When you're sliding into first
and a Nazi boner bursts

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When yer sliding into second
and nothing rhymes with second

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When you're sliding into third
and then Hitler burps a turd

diarrhea.  diarrhea.

When you are sliding into home
and it's full of Jewish bones

well, that's just too bad.  diarrhea.